Dearest Love,
It has been three months since you left and your presence still feels as close to me as it ever was. I feel you watching over me, protecting me from all the unknown fears that lie deep in my river of thoughts.
You sheltered me as if I were fragile and breakable. I am broken without you here. Time and space have no meaning. My hours turn to days, and my days turn to months for my shattered being. (more…)
The piece that follows was written over 10 years ago now. I wrote it while I was in a relationship with a man who treated me with love and respect, but he used drugs. Occasional marijuana use turned into snorting cocaine, and led to freebasing coke, and that lead to other things.
As his world fell around him, I tried to save him. For two more years after the drug abuse worsened, we continued an on again off again relationship. Eventually, the toll this drug abuse had on the relationship became too much for me, and I had to walk away.
Today, he and I are friends, good friends even, and I still care deeply for him, though I have moved on with my life. Sometimes, I will see him and my heart flip flops, with a mixture of emotion between sorrow and wistful regret that I cannot fix him, cannot save him. Each year goes by, and he looks worse and worse. My heart wants to reach out and pick him up, but having broken away from my codependency, I know beyond doubt that I cannot save him.
Anyone who has experienced codependency, no matter the cause (it’s not always drugs or alcohol) will probably understand the feelings expressed in this writing.
I hope you enjoy it. (more…)
To The Man Who Holds My Heart and My Children:
I sit here, at the end of what I am certain is our most difficult parenting day to date, completely in love with the man you have become. When we met those ten and a half years ago, I knew there was something about you, something I wouldn’t be able to find in anyone else. Now, I know that is true. I’m not certain what exactly I did to deserve you, but I will tell you I do not take a single ounce of your love for granted.
My love, you are compassionate.
You don’t hesitate to scoop our babies up into your arms after they fall down and get hurt. You even sympathize with their devastation over a broken toy and tickle their sadness away. In the midst of my own tears, you quickly wrap me in a silent hug and let me bury my head into your chest until my grief has subsided. No matter how big or small the situation, you listen, you understand, and you care.
You are the most unselfish person I have ever met. (more…)
Dear Ex Love,
Sometimes, I forget that I’m not supposed to be in love with you anymore.
I walk past your favorite food in the grocery store and think I’d like to buy it for you for dinner. Then I remember I’m not supposed to love you anymore.
I drive by the donut shop on Eight Street and remember when we used to sit there together and eat the hot donuts early in the morning. My heart flutters and I feel those butterflies inside. Then I remember I’m not supposed to love you anymore.
I drive home to the house we used to share, see your car in the drive, and I get excited to see you. Then I remember I’m not supposed to love you anymore. (more…)
I know that, for as long as I’ve known you, you’ve worried about how good of a mother you would be.
I just want to tell you, again, that looking back at the last seven months, I couldn’t be more confident that you are (and will be) an awesome mother.
I’ve watched, again and again, as you put Gracie before your own comfort, desires, and needs, and always in a loving, nurturing way.
Not out of obligation or responsibility, but out of love.
I think that the examples and experiences that you’ve had, have given you the opportunity to either be the mother you feared you would be, or to learn from them and become with mother you wish you’d had.
You have done the latter, and I can’t tell you how much I respect and admire you for that. You’ve always been someone I’ve looked up to, and this is one more example of why. (more…)
