Doctors Like You, by Linda St.Cyr
Dear Doctor,
I am writing this after your death because I could not bring myself to do so while you were alive. It has been years now since your death but parts of me are still haunted by what you did to me.
I came to you with the trust of an innocent, someone who life had not done wrong yet. You were a doctor. A man who saved peopled, who helped those who were in need.
Here I was just a few weeks pregnant with no insurance and scared to death. I came to your office and saw a nurse who was nice. She told me I was six weeks along and everything I was experiencing–like the nausea, dizziness and bloating–were normal. I saw you briefly after speaking with the nurse. You looked like a hard man. My gut clenched but my mind shot down my intuition. You were a doctor, not someone to fear. I was sent home with an appointment to return at the twelve-week mark.
The next week, not only was the nausea worse, but so was the bloating and dizziness. I called your office. “It’s just morning sickness,” you told the nurse to tell me.
I fought through it for another week. Then it got bad. It got really bad.
I came back to your office again afraid, uncertain. On the ultrasound, there was barely as spec on the screen. The nurse would tell me nothing. Then you came in.
You said that you were not sure the baby had a heartbeat. You said part of it was mine. You said there was nothing you could do if I was to miscarry. You sent me home and told me to bring back any tissue that expelled.
You told me that.
You, a doctor, told me to go home where I would miscarry my baby and then you told me to bring it back for tests.
Shaking and crying, I went home, alone, still sick, but now, I was truly afraid. I called a friend. She picked me up immediately and brought me to her doctor, a nice gentleman who had sympathy in his eyes and my gut said, “Trust this man.”
He did an internal ultrasound, what you should have done, and found my baby.
My baby was long dead. My baby had started deteriorating. The fetus was being absorbed back into my bloodstream. Do you know what this can do to a person? You’re a doctor, you are supposed to know. I could have died.
You sent me home to die.
That is what was happening in my body. My baby was killing me because my body was not opening to expel him or her.
I went in for a D&C the next morning. They had to remove everything that they could as quickly as they could so I would not die. Thankfully, the damage did not affect me enough to prevent me from having two beautiful sons later in life.
But there was damage from you not taking care of me like you should have. Years after my last son was born, I went for a tubal ligation that gave me more scares than it should have. That is because to do the procedure, they had to go through scar tissue the D & C had left behind. They asked me if I had had numerous abortions because the scar tissue was so bad. It felt like they were asking me if I was a whore because of you. I had to explain to them the only thing close to an abortion I ever had was the D&C, which, if done earlier when the baby had died, would not have caused as much scar tissue.
I learned after my miscarriage that you had some troubles keeping your medical status as a doctor. It was in the papers that you were not giving teenage girls adequate care. It turns out that you did not like unwed mothers and felt unwed teen mothers did not deserve the care you deemed proper to a woman with a husband. How shameful of you. You were a doctor, a man people looked up to for help and care no matter what their age.
I have not forgiven you. I will not forgive you. What you did when you left me to die was unacceptable. I will be haunted for the rest of my life because of what you did and didn’t do.
You are dead now, but that doesn’t ease the wounds you created. It doesn’t make all your wrongs just go away. I have to live with what you did to me every day of my life.
I spit on your grave. I curse your soul to a hell far worse than even I can imagine, and my imagination is quite vivid. In fact, I take that back. I don’t curse you. I will forget you. I will hope and pray that you are forgotten.
Men like you should not be remembered.
Signed,
Linda: The girl you didn’t care about.
~~~~
This letter is a condensed version of the original, which will appear in the first Unsent Letters print compilation.
Linda St.Cyr is a professional freelance writer, artist and poet. She has been published in numerous online publications including Club Mom, Associated Content and outlets of Demand Media. She is currently working on a novel while raising two children in the beautiful Pocono Mountains. To learn more about Linda and her writing, please visit her author’s website at the following link: http://sites.google.com/site/stcyrlinda/
man that is awful. I am glad you recovered an had 2 sons. sometimes there doctors are not worth the prices you pay and should be removed. I heard one cruel dr like yours tell my 15 yr old daughter that her baby did not have a heart beat. I could have strangled him right there. he was so unfeeling towards her and her baby.. as if the death of kylie did not matter..
Oh Linda.. I’m right there with you. I went through something similar, but it was an invitro fertilization.. it took me years to get pregnant.. drugs, hormones.. I put my body through hell. Then I got pregnant.. YES! Sadly, at around 12 weeks, they “suddenly” couldn’t find a heartbeat.. For these so called specialists, they weren’t interested in Moms and babies..only results..since I no longer met their criteria, I became a non-person. I think it took me longer to get over their treatment than it did to get over the miscarriage. They also told me to go home, but didn’t want to see me unless I would consider YET ANOTHER in vitro! Otherwise, call your family doctor if you need him. Bastards.
This really makes me mad, nay, PISSES ME OFF! Why do so many damn doctors think they’re God? Even some of the nurses I have to deal with are condescending pieces of shit, because they ‘know more than you do’!
I only wish you had the fortitude to report this prick to the AMA, and have his license stripped, so he couldn’t do this to any other woman (your description of him has some serious misogynistic overtones).
I understand why you did not, though, as even I was intimidated by someone richer and more powerful than myself; I have flown with such predators before, and know the ruthlessness they can inflict, only because they are wealthy enough to get away with that!
There is a hereafter, and this jack-off is burning as we speak. Sorry you ever had to experience that!
Linda,
This was a phenomenal letter! I can’t wait to read it in it’s entirety. Good for you for not forgiving him! I’m sick of everyone forgiving their wrong doers all the time! Some people will simply never deserve forgiveness. But, you are right, he should be forgotten!
I am so happy you went on to have two wonderful children, though I know they can never take the place of the child you lost.
Thank you for sharing with such honesty!
What a jerk. No, worse than a jerk, much, much worse. I would hold the same feelings if I were in your shoes.
The anger you still feel is palpable and certainly justified. Losing a child, any child, is a heart-wrenching experience in and of itself. But being left to die, quite literally, violated every oath and responsibility he had as a doctor and a human being. May he be meted the same compassion, care, and treatment as he gave to you and many other patients.
Blessings
You would think a doctor would be the one person who would do what they could to protect their patients. Thank you for sharing your letter.
Incredibly powerful letter. I’m sorry you went through this experience. Thank you for sharing it. I hope it will help others to know that Doctors are people first and if they are awful people, then they are awful Doctors
Linda, what an amazing letter. Sitting here crying. Absolutely wish I could give you a hug right now. So impressed that you lived your life and found happiness and success. I agree, this obnoxious, uncaring and ultimately dangerous individual does not deserve to be remembered. Let him slip into the fog and forget him.
How horrible! The man let his ‘ethical’ considerations outweigh his professional ones – a very dangerous thing in any job, but especially in the medical field. What a horrible person. You wrote this so well.
I feel so much sympathy for you. But also joy in that you were able to still get pregnant and have two boys.
Hugs!!
What a horrible experience! It’s almost miraculous that you were still able to have children later on. Thanks for sharing this. Women need to know that they do NOT have to accept this kind of treatment from any medical professional.
I am so sorry that you went through that experience.
I can’t understand how a person, especially a doctor, could treat another human being that way.
How awful for you, Linda. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, but glad you were able to have children later. Doctors are only people too, some good, some bad. All too often patients asume they are better than they are. We should always take our health in our own hands when things don’t sound right. I’m glad you did that!
I’m sorry for your loss, Linda. When I had my miscarriage, my doc sent me right to the hospital and followed me there to do the D&C. When my best friend had one, the doc sent her home to miscarry there and bring the tissue back. So my friend, who doesn’t drive, went home to pass her child all while carring for her other three children at the same time. I don’t think some of these docs understand the emotional as well as physical scars that they inflict on those they are supposed to be taking care of. Isn’t that part of their oath? To not harm?