We spent the evening doing one of those family nights like we used to do when we were kids. I met up with mom and we took the kids out bowling, and then grabbed some pizza before we headed home.

You would have loved it. Just seeing mom in a bowling alley would have made you laugh so hard you would have cried, and watching Jay do his “happy dance” would have split your side. You would love that kid completely. I just wish you would have had the chance to meet him.

I talked to Tara not long ago and she’s doing well. They’re stationed in North Carolina now and the girls are getting so big. You would adore them. Heidi will be three soon and she looks so much like Jim that it just makes you sick but my God she’s cute. Cami is almost 6 months old now and every picture I see of her reminds me more and more of you and Tara when you were babies.

I really miss those days.

I really miss you.

I think often of all of the things that have changed since you were here and I wonder – if you had known how things would be just five years later would you have still made the same decision?

Everyone still feels guilty for the part they feel that they played.  They wonder every day if there was something they could have said or something they could have done that would have made the outcome different. Maybe it would have, maybe not. We’ll never know for sure.

I don’t feel guilty, I just feel sad. Sad that somehow you didn’t realize that when I told you that you could always come to me, I meant it. Sad that even though I said you could trust me with your secrets, you didn’t believe me. Sad that as much as I wanted to be the best big sister in the world, when it mattered most I wasn’t there for you.

If things had been different we would be getting ready to celebrate your 26th birthday and laughing about how quickly time flies and how old we are becoming. You would remind me that I was older – and I would remind you that I was smarter.

We would laugh.

We would stay up late talking on the phone.

I would help you fix your hair just like I did when you were little – and you would tell me I was the best big sister in the world.

I really miss those days.

I really, really miss you.

Until we meet again,
Heather

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