CONFESSIONS: Dearest Brian
(Unsent Confessions is a part of the Unsent Letters blog that is sent in by anonymous writers, who don’t want their name attached to the writing, don’t want anyone to know who they are, but have a confession to share in the forum of a letter. These Unsent Confessions are all sent in anonymously, and the author’s identity is private.)
Dearest Brian,
I tell you often that I love you, but I wonder if love is enough for me. I hate the way our lives are going and I think if you really loved me after three years that you would make a commitment to that love.
You would never cheat on me and take another woman to your bed. You do feel it is okay to be the big brother to every female on your online friend’s list, including a woman you had a past sexual relationship with a few years before we even met.
You know I dislike you talking to Victoria, yet you keep talking to her and giving her advice. It is tearing my heart out, because you still care about her on some level. That fact is very clear to me. I cannot help but think if she were free that you would be with her. I can see the resemblance between her and me, even though you will not admit this fact.
When we first began dating three years ago, it took you three months to utter those words I longed to hear. You also asked me if you slipped a ring on my finger what I would do. You were ready to commit then, so what happened? What changed to make you not want to commit like that to me? If I have done anything wrong, please tell me. I need to know what I did to change your mind about living with me. It’s more than living with me; it is about the whole ring on a finger thing. I need to know what changed your mind.
I know you would do anything in the world for me or so you say. However, a long-term dating relationship with overnight visits is as far as it has progressed in three years. I am miserable without you beside me, and talking on the damn phone does not cut it.
If it were not for my children who need me, I would not be here on this earth. I know suicide is a sin, but it might ease some of the pain I feel in my heart. I live with that daily reality.
The reality is I have a failed marriage and a ‘loving’ relationship where the man will not commit. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel as a woman? Of course, not. You are a man and have different feelings. I feel like a failure in the romance department and it is overwhelming most days.
Perhaps what my ex told me is true. He drilled it into my head that I was worthless. I feel worthless in this relationship with you as well as lonely. Yes, I feel that lonely and overwhelmed when you are not here. Lately that is most of the time.
You allow me to continue struggling on my own for the most part. I struggle so much more than you know, not only money wise but in every way imaginable. It is hard living on my own. The financial burdens threaten to overwhelm me.
Do you have any clue how hard it is to raise children on your own? Of course, you do not. You are not a daily part of your child’s life. I do not want you to help me raise my children, as they are mostly raised.
At first, you said you would marry me when we had been together for 5 years. Then you that said perhaps you would move in if I found a suitable place in the second year. I found a place and you dragged your feet finally confessing you were not ready after we had made plans. Twice in the past year, you have offered to move in here, yet it is not happening.
When I had a roommate, you were here almost every night with me, and said you enjoyed the month. Yet he is gone and you are still not here. I feel worthless, Brian, and do not feel the love as I once did. You say the love is still there and strong as it ever was, and perhaps for you it is.
With each passing month, I feel more like a booty call and a friend. I do not feel as if I am your girlfriend any longer as long-term dating implies a promise for the future. I do not wish to date forever and keep separate houses.
Maria and Annie are my best friends as you know, and both have told me recently that it is time to issue an ultimatum. I do not desire to issue this because I know what happened when I issued one in my marriage.
I told Tom, my ex husband, that he needed to choose the booze or the kids and me. He chose the booze, which very much hurt at the time. I did not kick him out of my house. I let him stay and complained about the way my life was. He found a female friend who supported his drinking and they became sexually involved. When I found out about the affair, I ended my marriage. I know the reality of issuing an ultimatum and this is why I do not want to give you one.
I want to issue you an ultimatum, but I am scared. I want to tell you that either a real commitment is made by a certain date or we are done. I want you in my house for companionship everyday for the rest of my life. Yet I have a strong feeling that when I issue the ultimatum that you will bolt and I will be alone.
I hate being alone Brian, and this keeps me from telling you what I want most in my life. I want you in my bed to hold me and living in my house so I feel safe and loved once more. In reality, I couldn’t care less about a ring or a piece of paper. I want someone to share my life with. I do not want visits for romance, as I am too old for that crap.
Signed with love,
Wanting more
interesting letter. I wish I had some advice to give.
So, which is it? Do you love him? OR is it that really you’re afraid not to be with *somebody*.
Your insecurities and lack of trust are what is pushing him away. He’s not having sexual intercourse or any romantic involvement with anyone else. He’s have conversations and interacting and enriching and actually *having* a life.
He’s entitled to that. Don’t make him choose. That’s not fair. And, frankly, choosing between the freedom to live and explore and express in this life, versus spending that life with somebody who would make me foresake all else – that’s an easy call.
Give him the ultimatum. Set him free. He’s not right for you. But more importantly, you are not right for him.
An ultimatum is sticky stuff.
(Gee that sounds Yogi Berra-ish, although I certainly didn’t mean it that way.)
2 failed relationships does not make you a failure. It means you didn’t find the right guy and you need to keep looking. I think you know this relationship isn’t working and it isn’t going to change. You just need to find the strength to end it.
You are not worthless. Look at those kids and see how important you truly are! You are everything to them.
Life is too short to waste being unhappy and lonely in a relationship. Who knows, maybe the right guy is waiting in the wings right now for you.
Be strong. Love yourself and take time to like yourself before jumping back in to another relationship.
We all have to do what makes us happy in the end. Maybe a good long talk is in order where you explain your wishes and hear his. I wish you all the best.
Girl, I had to break up with a guy who strung me along for about 5 years. He told his buddies at work we were married, even used me as an excuse to get off of work, but only came around once every couple of months. You will be better off without the loser. Trust me, he’s a user, same as mine was! Good luck!
Brian sounds like someone you would be better off without, I’m sorry to say. But maybe that is what you’re hoping to hear so you can gather your strength and move on.
I remember being in a similar position — oddly enough, with another man named Bryan. I had a child at the time too, and a painful history that made me feel worthless and sometimes suicidal.
But there is a big difference between you and me. My life was not centered around my child and my Bryan. Instead, I had been consumed since childhood with the desire to finish college and become a writer. Bryan and my child were important to me, but they were things that happened to me, not things that were central to my being. Because I had that in my core, I found a way to get through that dark time, even without the help of my partner. I finished college and kept writing.
When Bryan cheated on me and admitted it — and he eventually did, as I knew in my heart he would — it did not destroy me, though it hurt as badly as I anticipated. I had that core to live for, you see.
What’s your core? If you don’t have one, find one: church, a new job, a goal to travel round the world, something. What is it that, if you had no other responsibilities and enough money to do it, you’d do? That is what to aim your life at.
Meanwhile, quit worrying about Brian. It is clearly too painful to deal with. As your new obsession takes hold in your life, one of two things will happen: you will drift away from Brian with less pain, or he will begin to pursue you. Either way, you’ll get out of your rut of fear and pain, and you’ll be able to devote your life to yourself and your children — as it should be. Move forward, and love yourself.
Why are you waiting for him to decide? It is painfully obvious from reading your letter that he is holding out for something better, if he committed to you he would be settling for less than what he wants. Sorry, but it’s true. Read your letter as if you were a stranger. I would not want a man I had to beg! You deserve more! The problem is that you are not happy and men like women who are happy and do not need them! You need him! I notice when you had a male roommate he was there everynight, protecting his investment … fear of loss, but no ultimatum, such as telling him you want to be free to date others and then doing so …. there are plenty of fish in the sea and if he finds someone else kiss the ground and be happy for the near miss of settling for someone who was not right for you, did not appreciate or deserve you, because if you were meant to be he would be with you! Like the saying says, “If you love someone let him go, if he comes back to you he is yours, if not, he never was.” I broke up with a man who was not appreciating me and now he is calling me and texting me and really wanting me… but I’m way too busy now, dating all kinds of wonderful men! I’m happy and confident and that attracts men! Not whiney, needy, unhappy women who need a man to complete them. Not saying you are that way, but you do come across that way in your letter. You are worth so much more than he is giving you! Do not be afraid to be alone! Happiness comes from within, find it, light yourself up with a glow and be bubbly and happy and you will attract what you think about and focus on with feeling … think about what you want, not what you don’t want! Good Luck!!!
Let me get this straight…you have a child with a guy who won’t marry you and seems to be fading into the woodwork?
How Jerry Springer of you.
She never said she had a child with him. She has children from a previous marriage and he has a child with another woman. I don’t read where they have a child together.
I’m in my third marriage. You my dear, are not a failure. I know you think you may lose hope if he doesn’t marry you, but from the way it sounds, he has unfinished business with the ex-girlfriend. If he does not respect you enough to back off with her, maybe you should cut the cord. I think if you give him an ultimatium, he may break your heart. Should he decide to stay with you and drop the ex, he could hold resentment against you and the marrige would fail, possibly with him having an affair. Three years in a relationship is a long time. It is my hope that your children are grown up enough to not have a strong attatchment to him. I think you should just tell him to hit the road. He may be a nice guy and all that, but if you feel intimidated by the ex, you would be better off not pursuing him. Find someone who does not have baggage. I know, it’s easier said than done. Raising children by yourself isn’t easy either. I have a niece who has two small children and a boyfriend I don’t care for much. It’s tough being alone, but you would be much happier. Let him go, if he truly loves you he will come back. I’m too old for any of that b.s. and come death or divorce, I’ll not have another serious relationship. Writing is my passion and if it is yours, pour your feelings into it. If not write a journal, you’ll be amazed at how much it will help.
I wish you the best!
Rissa said, life is too short to spend it in an unhappy relationship. I agree.
Brian is having you jump through hoops. For what? I’ll marry you IF. I’ll live with you IF. Then when you do as he wishes, he does not follow through. He’s toying with you.
See him for the snake he is.
Sorry to be so blunt. I just think you deserve better.