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UNSENT CONFESSIONS: by anonymous

To Whomever it may Concern:

I confess that I have been disloyal to my character, dishonest with myself and afraid to be me.

I love him only because I have no one else. He would be at my side at the drop of a hat. He can’t afford to provide me with the basics in life and uses the word of God to manipulate me into staying. I left him for the 52nd time this year and I am lonely. If I were to call him he would run right over.I asked him why he tolerates me and he says its because he loves me.We don’t really love each other; we love the drama. If it wasn’t for the drama this relationship would bore the hell out of me.

I can’t stay. I can’t go back. It’s like an addiction. I am lonely, getting older, few friends I can trust, few people who are interesting. I don’t want to talk about cutting coupons or what I will make for dinner, and I sure as hell don’t give a crap what’s on TV.

I am angry; my life is a waste. Really, go to to work, go to your TV, then go to bed. This is your life? How fricken’ dull.

Am I really that different?

Really, is there no one left who likes to visit and go places and do things?

Why even bother breathing if that’s the case?

I sent an email to him. I don’t really want a reply.

I sent a ‘hi’ on Facebook to the one I really loved and do not expect a response. I sent a ‘hi’ to an old friend who may or may not reply. All of these people are intertwined in my past, like a chain on my ankle. But I am the one who is afraid to let go, afraid of being alone rather than unhappy or in an unhappy situation.

Signed,
Anonymous confessor

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9 Responses to “UNSENT CONFESSIONS: by anonymous”

  1. Harsh Puck says:

    I believe it was Mahatma Ghandi who said,”Be the change you want to see!”

    when I find myself getting down, especially when I have given my power to someone else, I revisit this statement and remember that the finger pointing I do is all about me and what I need to do.

    So, there is a poem about a person walking down the street and falling into hole. He does this over and over and feels put upon and sorry for himself, blaming others for his actions. At one point he learns to step around the hole, but only after taking responsibility for falling into the hole. Eventually, he learns that he can even avoid the street that takes him to the hole.

    This is enlightenment. No one can give it to me. It is offered all around. Only I can create and have the grace to accept that enlightenment and take responsibility for my own life and actions.

    I may appear to be harsh responding to your gut-wrenching confession, but I share this with you because I have walked that road and fallen into that hole so many times that before I vacated it permanently, I had put up curtains.

    Note: there have been others holes I have fallen into. Most of them dug by me, not realizing exactly why I was digging that hole. Often, I found myself revisiting the old hole before accepting that I was te only one who could change my world by changing me.

  2. Tonya says:

    I love that you are honest with yourself. That’s a great start to improving things. Not many people can be so blatantly honest. I would have to recommend looking into the law of attraction … I am a firm believer that like attracts like … we attract things we are a vibrational match to … and you cannot attract something or someone you want until you yourself are a vibrational match to it/him/her … read some michael losier or esther and jerry hicks or look them up on you tube … it really can get better … you really can reinvent yourself and your life, it’s all up to you.

  3. Shana Dines says:

    I am so sorry. It really sounds like you are depressed. I don’t say that as a criticism, but as one who can relate. I know that at 61 years of age, I know that there are more years behind me than ahead of me. I hope so anyways, because I will be very decrepit if I live to be over 122 years old. I don’t mean to try to be funny, I am actually pretty cynical.

    I do believe that it is probably better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel miserable, especially if they use “God” as a way to manipulate. It is easy to say though when I am married. I was married to a batterer first time, and am grateful that I am not married to one now. That being said, marriage is not what I pictured in my fantasies. I believe that men are not a different sex only, but also a different species. I have a lot more intimacy with my female friends, who talk about feelings and real things than men do, including my husband.

    The only men who talk about feelings, my experience is, are ones who want to get you into bed. Affairs are the ultimate in insanity. Thank God I have been able to avoid doing that in this marriage. Not out of my own wisdom and morality but because God was protecting me as well as my friends who helped me to see the hopeless ridiculousness of it.

    That being said, if you can get some kind of counseling, or just a support group of women, or something like Alanon, I think it would really help you. I really sympathize and empathize, believe me. Sincerely Shana

  4. If you do not enjoy your own company than you will not enjoy anyone else’s company.

  5. Sherrie says:

    So, this person is the cause of your boredom and unhappiness, huh? Well, as long as you think that, you will never be happy.
    You need to be ALONE. Forget contacting the “one you really loved”. You will only discover you are unhappy with them too.
    Get counseling and learn to be o,k, with THIS life, the one you have right now. Maybe you want to involve this person who claims to love you (though I suspect it is more of an addiction than anything else) or maybe you just want to go on this journey alone. That is really how life is anyway so why not begin now.
    As long as you are looking for happiness outside yourself, you will never find it. Take it from someone who has been there. Learn to love yourself, than someone else can love you. Learn to love yourself, then you can love someone else, wholly and without reservations.

  6. Christy says:

    Can relate. Totally. Not in my present situation per se because I have some much anger built up that at the drop of a hat and he called, no I would not come. And I don’t WANT him to.

    However…

    The hardest thing, I have found, is digging deep within myself, ourselves. To look. To see. It’s not easy for sure. If it were, then more would do it and the world would be a far better place. However, you must… dig deep. Loneliness is what I fear the most, as I get older. But the world, it’s at our fingertips. So much to do and see. So many people to meet, if even for a brief moment.

    The past is the past. The pain is the pain. Eat it. Chew it. Spit it out. Let it digest.

    You must look far into yourself, the farthest you’ve ever looked, dug, and pull IT out. IT being what you need to rid and kill the addiction. Complete YOU. Be happy in yourself and with yourself. You can do it. You don’t need him or the addiction or the pain. Or, the drama. Not this drama. This is not what you want.

    My life is much the same right now. But I see in the near distance what I need to do to break up the work, the tv, the dog, the pain, the hurt, the need. It won’t be easy, but I must do it. As will you.

    As will you.

  7. Michael says:

    Everyone here has written something of value to you. We have all cared enough to write you, an individual we have never met in person, and probably never will. It doesn’t matter: we’re all on this life journey together – and separately. We each carry our own pain.

    You are unique, just as I am, but your feelings are common to most of us.

    Some responses to your inner pain. First – been there, done that, got the T-shirt, like many others have written here for you. In fact, I still hurt, still carry personal guilt for failures in my own life. So I am not writing from some spiritual mountain-top, dispensing wisdom. Just sharing experiences and some self-knowledge.

    First, your boredom comes from within you. So does your own sense of self-worth. You are bored with the world and your life because you are bored with you. And your own inner boredom with yourself is damaging your own sense of self-worth. But God made you, so you are a supremely important person, or He would not have wasted His time.

    You continue to accept this person in your life either through fear of aloneness, as some have suggested, or because you think you can’t do any better. You acknowledge that he uses God to manipulate you, which means you inherently know 2 things: one is that it IS manipulation, and that you willingly participate in it. The other is less obvious but equally true: God is not in what you are enduring in the sense that it is what He wants. He came that we might have life and that more abundantly. Not that we might have pain and that more abundantly.

    You cannot avoid the pain though. You can’t drink it away, you can’t do anything other than go through it. But there is the other side, and you will get there. But like Job, you must sit in your ashes and scrape your own sores.

    I promise you though – you will never get there by continuing to repeat the pattern you’re in. Stop calling your manipulator. Ultimately, what he thinks & feels doesn’t matter: what matters is you have concluded that you and he are not healthy for each other. And it’s clear you never will be.

    Let’s be honest: you are bored with life, but you are not engaging life either. Everyone has interests in something. Whatever your interest is, get involved in it. You will meet people with the same interest as you.

    The TV bores you (me too, pretty much) – so don’t watch it. Do something else. Anything else.

    Dare to dream. Consider a sweeping change in your life. Move to another city, another country. Change jobs or career paths. Take a craft interest at your local Junior College or Adult school. Go someplace you’ve always wanted to go and denied yourself, for whatever reason.

    It’s your life. It doesn’t belong to anyone else, and you’re the one that answers for it in the end. Not your manipulative Other. Not a pastor. Not the one you say you truly love. Change is hard. Inertia is easy. Do the hard thing. The hard things are the only worthwhile things.

    Your e-friend above mentioned holes. A good analogy.

    Drama is your hole. Stop digging it. You accept that drama because as you’ve implied, it’s all there is that is interesting in your life, as unhealthy as it is.

    I will make some suggestions because they helped me. Sometimes you get the most unexpected results.

    You can write well. So write poetry or prose to express what you’re feeling. The blood in your veins will flow out onto the paper.

    Read Job. Sometimes the things Job says to God or to his friends is rather shocking. But there is a subtle point there: God already knows what you think & feel, so why hide it from Him? Hiding it from Him deceives only yourself.

    Unload that anger, that fury that pain, the tortured rage you feel at what your life has become. You think He doesn’t know you have those feelings? You think He can’t take it? Go ahead and rage at Him: you are, down inside anyway.

    I promise you He can take it, because He already is, so acknowledge it before Him.

    I ended up screaming at Him one day, years ago, literally shaking my fist and screaming at Him. But His answer back was soft and changed me. But not overnight. No, no instant transformation. And maybe not even any real improvement – but the anger is gone, and that’s something.

    Read the story of Jonah. The fish is the least interesting part. Read particularly the end, where Jonah says he’s angry enough to die. And he meant it too, he was. But God’s response was not retribution for Jonah’s impertinence.

    So your feelings, your pain, your inner rage and fear are not unique. But only you can change them. Don’t fear change, embrace it. Change is not death: you are still you, only with new things to work with, play with, absorb. Your self is not the sum of your experiences: your experiences merely affect the self. Even then, how much is up to you.

    We all wish you the best. We all have hope you will achieve some measure of peace in your life. But we have all in our own way told you, you will not get there by repeating the pattern you’re in. You are not helpless, but you have created a habit. Break it.

    We hope for good for you. And we do have hope, or none of us would have written. Hope for yourself.

    – michael

  8. Miriam Pia says:

    Not really, all of these other people have said something useful but if that person has been with you ans especially if the sex is good then – if you don’t want to go without that then that would naturally explain part of your desire to include him again. No one says this, but probably should. There is an aspect of the biological aspect of mating, over and above attachment to your sexual bond that would make it hard to part ways. That’s pretty normal. I’m sorry it sucks for you right now. If you can bring yourself to get some other company that would be helpful but if its your desires then you would tend to want a real response. In truth, there is probably good in the relationship and the real reason you want the relationship is because of what is good about it and naturally you do not like the bullshit. I don’t know why more women are not straightforward about this with other women – about why women put up with bullshit, but I think I have told you why you actually do….That and if he helps you with money would explain it. I think the ‘you need to be alone’ thing is bullshit, especially if its that you want sex.

  9. admin says:

    Miriam, it’s funny you should say that… I have to admit that even in the worst relationships I’ve had, the sex was the last thing to go. As long as the sexual attraction was still there, it was very difficult for me to leave or ask him to leave. Once the sex goes though, the relationship was very easy to leave.

    But the truth is, if everything else but the sex goes, staying just for the sex isn’t smart. Finding someone else for just sex is probably better than clinging to a dead relationship for the sake of sex, because it’s really only a matter of time before the sex goes bad too.

    BUT staying with someone for financial reasons… well… sometimes I guess you do what you have to do.

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