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To His Wife, by anonymous

Dear wife,

I suppose I’m supposed to say that it’s your fault I am sleeping with your husband, because you didn’t take care of his needs or you didn’t do what a good wife should do, or some other nonsense. We both know that’s not really true. Infidelity isn’t the fault of the faithful spouse most of the time, and the truth is, your husband is just not a faithful man.

I’m not in love with him. Not sure I ever was or will be in love with him, but you see, for me, he is safe. Safe because he has you. And you, you’re safe because he has me. I know him and his past, a past he’s tried to hide from you (though I think you know more than you let on) and if it weren’t for me, he’d be out there sleeping with lots of different women. At least I’m clean. You won’t catch anything from him through me. After all, while he is a cheat, you and I both are faithful women.

That part is just justification though.

I know that sleeping with your husband is wrong. I do know that, somewhere deep inside of me, and in that same deep place inside, I feel guilty about it.

I can give you reasons, but they truly are nothing more than excuses. I try to tell myself that you really do know about me, and that you just choose not to say anything, so that I can sort of convince myself that it’s okay, since you silently endorse our relationship.

Truth is, I don’t know if you know about me or not.

What makes it hard for me is… I like you. I really like you. You’re a kind woman, with an honest heart, and I know you love your husband. You have a strong Catholic Christian faith, and you believe it is your duty to love him, no matter what, until death do you part.

Honey, even the Christian Catholic church allows annulment in the case of infidelity.

But that wouldn’t be honoring your husband, would it? You take your vows seriously.

I don’t know if that makes you devout or a fool. Sometimes I want to believe it’s the fool, just because that absolves me of some guilt.

What? You didn’t think I felt guilty? I do sometimes. Then there are other times I justify it by saying that you have a better marriage with him because of me. He loves you, you know. He really does. He reveres you in his own way and he admires you. I’m actually jealous of you sometimes.

Then I remember that I don’t really want him, and I can slip back into being the ‘other woman’ again.

I’m not saying it’s right. I’m not saying that any of the justifications make it right. Maybe if you’d lived my life you’d understand why this ‘safe’ relationship I have with him is necessary for me right now. I don’t expect you to understand. I’m not asking for forgiveness or absolution.

I can’t apologize to you for hurting you. I never did intend for any of this to hurt anyone. It’s selfish, I know, but maybe, just maybe, what you don’t know can’t hurt you.

But I do want to thank you, even though I know you’ll never read this letter. So let me say it now, for me… Thank you for sharing him with me. Thank you for loving him enough that he is safe for me to spend a few stolen nights together. Thank you for your strength and commitment to your marriage. Thank you.

Sincerely,
The ‘other’ Woman

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38 Responses to “To His Wife, by anonymous”

  1. "Annoymous" says:

    Wow. That is… disgusting. To say the least; just reading it – her rude tone, it’s just aggravating.

  2. Bobbi Leder says:

    I admire the writer’s honesty.

  3. Angel says:

    I didn’t feel it was rude. I don’t agree with adultery in any shape or form, but it was an honest letter. I hope the author is able to love and respect herself enough one day to leave him behind and move forward with life…to a real relationship with her own husband.

  4. a wife who was cheated upon says:

    a know its WRONG.. go find a single man… you must not be good enough to marry, you are merely some form of cheap entertainment.. how does it feel to know that?

    yes it took honesty to write this but from my side of the fence where I used to have a family,… now there is me and the kids.. he has another family now and yeah he is cheating on her often.. the whole thing has turned me sour and made me bitter.. and that is because of women like you…

    this letter stuck a very raw nerve within me..

  5. Linda St.Cyr says:

    I appreciate the honesty in this letter and I think it is a bit eye opening to read about it from “the other woman’s” perspective.

  6. I appreciated the honesty in this letter as well. It takes two to make it an affair and this woman isn’t the only person at fault here. I don’t agree with adultery either, but at the very least, she is clearly not making excuses or asking for forgiveness. It’s unfair to put this all on “the other woman,” IMO.

    • sharron says:

      why do you consider it a good thing that she is not asking for forgiveness? SHe should be. I will never understand the women who know a man is married and are so selfish as to think they have the right to be with him or try to get him to want her. He is definitely at fault but the woman who does this to another woman is betraying a sister.

  7. Linda Johnson says:

    What is so safe about him? Why does she think he isn’t sleeping with yet another person, someone with an STD. Her honesty is surprising but I would only admire if it led her to do the right thing. But Idon’t judge her, or him,or the other her. There but for the grace of God…….

  8. Another "Other" Woman says:

    It’s easy for society to hate people like us, because without us the world would be filled with nothing but faithful obedient husbands. If we didn’t exist then marriages would be happy and would last for 50+ years. Yes…we’re easy to hate.

    This life means that you have to develop the ability to lie so seamlessly that it feels like the truth. You lie to your friends, you lie to your family, you lie to yourself. You lie with such grace that it becomes a brilliant work of art.

    I hope that writing this letter gave you at least a single well deserved moment of reprieve from those lies.

    Mostly, I hope you you can find a bit of comfort in knowing you are not alone.

  9. Kathy says:

    I admire her honesty. I harbor no excuses for adultery, but I do know that I personally can’t judge someone whose shoes I haven’t walked in. I do understand what she is saying and she really has her own self esteem issues or the situation wouldn’t even exist. I think it’s sad for everyone involved.

  10. This subject could turn ugly very quickly. I do admire honesty. These are unsent letters and if this is how a person feels, then I highly doubt any of our comments will make a difference. However, I have been the one who knew nothing, I have been the one who slowly realized what was going on, and yes it IS easy to hate the other woman and the man. I read this earlier and wanted to comment, but I couldnt because all it did was make me cry.

  11. Gillian says:

    Why is no-one standing back and taking a look here? Aside from the fact that it takes two to tango, no-one knows the background story to this woman and no-one, absolutely no-one has the right to stand in judgement on her.

    Exactly why is it ‘the other woman’ who is always so vilified by society? She can’t ‘cheat’ by herself. The man has to be willing and frequently it is the man who initiates the affair, not the woman. Yet the men seem to receive less public criticism. It’s almost as if this insidious little notion that ‘woman was made evil, ever since Eve’ has dug itself so deeply into the human mind that the woman is seen to carry the majority of the burden of guilt.

    Men are not by nature one woman creatures. This isn’t a lifestyle decision. It’s about the primal urge to procreate, to father as many children as possible against the chance of losing your family to disease or accidental death. The caveman HAD to have lots of children for these reasons.

    Under the veneer of polite society and the ‘rules’ made up by humanity about how we should live, there is still a caveman who is searching for every available chance to breed. For every man there is a woman whose primal urge is telling her to find a man to provide for her and to father healthy children on her.

    That is what this boils down to in the end. Forget the rules, the ‘thou shalt not commit adultery’ and frowning down upon by society. This is about the need to spread the seed and the need to receive it. All those rules were made up by religion and lawyers (and look at the trouble both of those cause the world). They have nothing at all to do with the barely supressed urge to continue the race.

    Sometimes people come together and that is that. If there weren’t these man-made rules about one man, one woman and faithfulness in marriage…. there would be no such thing as ‘the other woman’. Simply men and women doing what they do, in the end, at the very base of the idea, to survive.

    I’m well aware that my views won’t be popular but if you take the time to look at them and set aside those man-made preconceptions about ‘should and shouldn’t’…. just maybe you’ll see that we really can’t help it unless we learn to control that primal urge.

    The letter was honest but I wish we lived in a society that understood the why instead of jumping to judgement.

  12. Susan Ayers says:

    But doesn’t the perceived ‘flaw’ always become more a woman’s than a man’s? If a married couple has a house that’s a mess, isn’t it typically the woman’s fault even if they both work equal hours? If kids are problems, doesn’t society look at the mother in judgment? What about this entire working mom vs. stay-at-home mom? Why does there have to be those comparisons and who is doing the comparing? We are! Who does the vilifying of the other women too? Mostly other women – we are our own worst critics and are even worse when it comes to judging other women (and THE other woman)!

    I agree that while rules were made by society and religion to have man/woman relationships, people do go into these relationships with eyes wide open and agree to some sort of faithfulness. Sometimes it is impossible to stick to a vow I guess – but why not just get out of the marriage? Not the woman whose faith keeps her there (or maybe not, maybe it’s the money, maybe she knows all about him and could care less, maybe she has her own guy on the side), but the guy. Don’t just cheat and be a sneak – go out and live your life! If what you both are doing is right and good – then why hide it? Why all the subterfuge? Because I think inherently, he might feel bad about it and she certainly makes it clear that she does.

    I know a lot of women and work with many through various women’s groups, etc., and many of them stay in relationships that suck b/c of the money b/c after being at home with kids for years, they lack confidence that they could go out and make their own way. Does society make it easy for women to re-enter the workforce after being at home raising children? I think not. Staying might be the convenient, easier way.

    I also think, in response to Gillian’s comment, that, while the urge may be primal, it can be controlled. We have unique decision making abilities and don’t have to act on our primal urges…thank goodness! Cheating is a choice.

    I won’t judge the wife, the husband, the other woman, or anyone because I know that deep down usually the root of situations like this are fear-based and I can only feel empathy for all three (plus any children who may be involved). The ‘other woman’ can’t feel good about herself – it shows in this letter. She calls herself selfish! I doubt that anyone could judge her more harshly than she is judging herself while trying to justify the deed.

    She says “your husband is just not a faithful man” and that is the summary of the whole thing. Maybe he can’t be, maybe he won’t be. For whatever reason – all three might want to examine themselves and ask if they are being true to themselves and living the life that they were meant to live. Only then can they look in the mirror and be at peace with what’s looking back.

  13. Susan Ayers says:

    But doesn’t the perceived ‘flaw’ always become more a woman’s than a man’s? If a married couple has a house that’s a mess, isn’t it typically the woman’s fault even if they both work equal hours? If kids are problems, doesn’t society look at the mother in judgment? What about this entire working mom vs. stay-at-home mom? Why does there have to be those comparisons and who is doing the comparing? We are! Who does the vilifying of the other women too? Mostly other women – we are our own worst critics and are even worse when it comes to judging other women (and THE other woman)!

    I agree that while rules were made by society and religion to have man/woman relationships, people do go into these relationships with eyes wide open and agree to some sort of faithfulness. Sometimes it is impossible to stick to a vow I guess – but why not just get out of the marriage? Not the woman whose faith keeps her there (or maybe not, maybe it’s the money, maybe she knows all about him and could care less, maybe she has her own guy on the side), but the guy. Don’t just cheat and be a sneak – go out and live your life! If what you both are doing is right and good – then why hide it? Why all the subterfuge? Because I think inherently, he feels badly and she certainly makes it clear that she does.

    I know a lot of women and work with many through various women’s groups, etc., and many of them stay in relationships that suck b/c of the money b/c after being at home with kids for years, they lack confidence that they could go out and make their own way. Does society make it easy for women to re-enter the workforce after being at home raising children? I think not. Staying might be the convenient, easier way making it nothing to do with being devout or a fool.

    I also think, in response to Gillian’s comment, that, while the urge may be primal, it can be controlled. We have unique decision making abilities and don’t have to act on our primal urges…thank goodness! Cheating is a choice.

    I won’t judge the wife, the husband, the other woman, or anyone because I know that deep down usually the root of situations like this are fear-based and I can only feel empathy for all three (plus any children who may be involved). The ‘other woman’ can’t feel good about herself – it shows in this letter. She calls herself selfish! I doubt that anyone could judge her more harshly than she is judging herself while trying to justify the deed.

    She says “your husband is just not a faithful man” and that is the summary of the whole thing. Maybe he can’t be, maybe he won’t be. For whatever reason – all three might want to examine themselves and ask if they are being true to themselves and living the life that they were meant to live. Only then can they look in the mirror and be at peace with what’s looking back.

  14. Rissa says:

    Ouch. The writer is lying to herself- trying to say she is just the other woman and she is happy about it. She is in deeper than that and this man will break her heart too.

    I always have thought it was funny that she is called a cheater. She didn’t make a vow to one person to be faithful. She isn’t cheating on anyone. Yeah, sure she is cheating herself, but really it is all on him. He is the one who us betraying the relationship.

  15. He may be the one who’s doing the cheating, but she is not innocent. She knows he’s married, and she could choose not to be with him. I do feel sorry for both of the women involved, though…it’s not easy to be on either side of this kind of thing. The man is just a dog. We are evolved human beings and can control our urges. The whole point of making a vow to someone is to make a commitment to them…if you can’t uphold your commitment, don’t take the vow, or at least end the marriage.

  16. ViktoryaHale says:

    This is definitely twisted. I thought I was weird. You need help lady. It seems that you are trying to make excuses for you and your lover. A man who cheats with you will usually cheat on you and you are probably not the only “other woman”. You are only hurting yourself.

  17. It is terribly sad that people find it “safe” to be dishonest. I wholly understand the perception of safety this woman expresses, but I agree with a previous comment. He is lying to his wife, and she is lying to herself. There’s nothing safe about those precious stolen nights.

    “Coming together” is not a purely biological mating ritual, though on the surface it certainly may seem that way. Affairs that last — like this one seems to have — run deeper than the physical, anyway. The “safety” this letter talks about is the same risk the unsuspecting wife takes every morning she wakes up and decides to love her husband. It’s the same risk said husband believes he is avoiding by choosing to be unfaithful.

    I wish the “other woman” could be honest with herself. We are all worth more than we can ever hope to be treated when we allow ourselves to be the side dish.

  18. SavinMaven says:

    It isn’t right and I don’t ‘get’ her sentiment, but she sure isn’t alone with websites like Ashley Madison. If someone doesn’t want a traditional marriage or monogamous relationship, be honest b/c there are plenty of takers out there.

  19. This woman is twisted for sure, rationalizing adultery! I’ve known many like her, and even slept with a few in the selfish stupidity of my youth!

    I wish the hyper-sensitive readers out there would quit sticking up for the ‘other woman’, and chastising those who ‘judge’ her. It’s almost as if they’re saying, “Hey, she might be skank, but at least she’s an HONEST skank!” Skank is skank! PERIOD!

    And of course the cheating husband is a low-down, 2-timin’ dog as well, especially if his wife is as virtuous and devoted as the letter writer outlines. My wife is such a wife, and I would never dream of doing her dirty like that! How can any man claim to ‘love’ his wife, and then draw water from another well, so to speak?

    A virtuous wife (or husband, for that matter) is very hard to come by nowadays, and it is the fool who has been blessed with such a devoted spouse who feels like that simply is not enough!

    Anyway, the man’s a pig, too, we got that all sorted out, but the writer of this letter seems to be a real selfish, self-absorbed user who obviously doesn’t care one bit about the marriage she’s helping to destroy. And to smugly exclaim that she’s ‘jealous’ of her only proves that she’s probably a spoiled little princess that only wants what belongs to someone else JUST BECAUSE it belongs to someone else!

    Lady, you’re damaged goods from the word ‘go’!

  20. Karen says:

    I know the letter writer’s pain and many of the other emotions she is feeling, the way she thinks. I know because I used to be her.

    I know the kind of past she speaks of, saying “Maybe if you’d lived my life you’d understand why this ’safe’ relationship I have with him is necessary for me right now.” As I read this my heart broke.

    I understand and admire her honesty in putting her feelings down. I hope by taking this step she will begin to see life from a different perspective. Most importantly, I hope it will help her take her first steps to dealing with the past.

    That’s where the root of it is. If she reads my comment , I want to say to her, I love myself now, I am happier than I have any right to be and no, life isn’t one big happy musical, but it is better than it used to be. I will always carry the scars but wounds do heal. I hope one day your will.

    • sharron says:

      there is no background that can dismiss what an other woman does in intruding on a marriage. Her background is supposed to excuse the hurt she is inflicting by choosing to be with the husband? THat’s like saying people who abuse children because they were abused should be excused. if you have felt pain, that should be the impetus for you to not want to inflict pain on another. not an excuse to do what you want to make yourself feel better. this other woman needs to apologize and feel remorse for what she did to another and be accountable. part of healing is admitting you did wrong, not making excuses for it .

  21. Julie Ann says:

    I have to wonder how well the other woman knows the wife. She talks about how much she likes the wife and follows it up with personal knowledge of the religion. Taking that into perspective, I have to wonder if the two aren’t friends. With friends like that, there is no room for an enemy like the husband. Eventually, they may both realize what a loser he is and both of them dump him.
    I feel pity for any woman who proclaims no love for a man she is sleeping with. She is either very shallow or lying to herself for her own heart’s protection. Either way, the problem is still there to be sorted out when the jig is up.
    If the man truly loved his wife, there would be no other woman. Unfortunately, he must first love himself enough to know he is good enough to have kept his wife for this long. Maybe he should realize how lucky he is and learn to be content with what he has at home.
    The real crisis occurs if there are children involved. With all the crazy things going on with today’s youth, the last thing a child needs is to realize marriage is no longer a sacred committment between two people who are in love. Remember, children only know what we teach them. Gee….I really want them to learn how to cheat on their spouse or have an affair with a married man and justify it with an anonymous letter.

  22. a wife who was cheated upon says:

    To the writer of this letter, I apologize to you for jumping to judgment. I do not know you and I should not have done that.

    When I read your post my mind visualized Anita (the other woman in my own case) sitting there at her computer writing this letter. I directed my anger at her towards you and that was wrong of me to do. I apologize for directing that anger towards her.

  23. Alyssa says:

    Rude? Maybe. Honest? Definitely. Even if the writer didn’t have the guts to send the letter, at least she was honest with herself. I know I often struggle with that.

  24. The Wife says:

    To The Other Woman: You and my husband broke my heart. You took my inner peace away. You robbed me of something that was very precious to me: the sanctity of my home. I didn’t deserve that. The two of you, when you chose to fulfill your own selfish desires, took my power away from me. You took what never belonged to you.

    My emotions have run the gamut of anger, fury, hatred, grief, loss, and everything in between. I was bereft of trust. But in the end, I did win. Because my husband, four years later, is with me, not you. You are still bouncing from man to man, the joke of the workplace (although you do not know it), the “whore.”

    You don’t deserve that label, and if you hadn’t hurt me, I’d stick up for you. I’d defend you when I hear them mocking you. But as it is, your choice to have a relationship with my husband while I was suffering from post partum depression (and you knew it!), has made me feel very little pity for you.

    I’ve forgiven him. I will never forgive you, because, well, I don’t love you, I never made a vow to you, and I really don’t care how you end up. I’m sorry your life is so pathetic that the only “safe” relationship you can have is with someone else’s husband, but you know what? I don’t care … much like you didn’t care how much heartache you heaped on me.

    And our marriage? It’s stronger than it’s ever been. You’ll never worm your way back into it again.

    • Fergie says:

      Maybe part of the problem is we tend to think that one human being can belong to another, taking the relationship for granted, rather than working to keep meaning in the vows we make. In this sense nobody can take “what doesn’t belong” to them, it is freely given. You say “In the end, I did win.” I’m sorry for being blunt, but I’m not so sure keeping a cheater is actually winning.

  25. Anonymous says:

    I think this should become a sent letter. I am a child of a marriage that ended due to a cheating husband and watching my mother no longer live a lie was invigorating.

    This couple’s family is already messed up. Your situation is already messed up. At least have the guts to make it right.

  26. Silvia says:

    Honesty would have been if you actually sent the letter or told the wife face to face. Not hide under a letter with no name and not letting her directly know. She acts like she gives a rat ass about the wife and the she is doing her a favor by being the choosen one. For the husband stop being such a hiprocrit and cheat and confessed to the wife and for the other woman stop pretending you care about the wife. If you did you wouldnt be sleeping with the man. Dont play mind games. Guilty you should feel both of you. Let the wife decide if she wants to be part of this joke. If not let her walk away with her dignity give her that much. If you suspect she knows this may be killing her or she just may be waiting for the right time to explode.

  27. jai pel says:

    wow. i actually enjoyed reading.

  28. Gloria says:

    All I can say is,”WoW!” This woman is obviously a narcissist, and has no regard for anyone but herself. It’s all about her and her needs. It doesn’t matter that she is sleeping with another woman’s husband, she “needs this right now.” Most likely this harpie will die alone. Someone this deeply disturbed is beyond contempt.

  29. Gloria says:

    Enjoyed reading it? Anyone with morals would find this disgusting, but in today’s society it doesn’t surprise me that some people find this entertaining. Somehow, I can’t find a home wrecker to be “entertaining.” This woman is a horrible human being and a psycho.

  30. hasten brown says:

    Really,never read anything like this, how dare this hussy,putting the blame on his poor wife, the blame is on the husband,and this tramp how dare you hurt his wife like that,karma is a Bitch, and then you say you don’t love him, well leave him alone, and find your own,a person such as yourself believing hurting other ppl so that you can feel good about yourself, your nothing but a home wrecker be prepared, what goes around comes around……

  31. Fergie says:

    I don’t agree that it’s automatically the “other woman’s” fault. The fact of the matter is every man has it in him to say the words “I’m married.” If he doesn’t, the problem lies in his character and integrity.

  32. brokenheart says:

    I agree the man just has to say I’m Married. In a lot of cases the OW doesn’t really care. I feel neither of them have any self respect or integrity. The men are on a delusional ride into fantasy land that the grass is greener on the other side. The OW think they have acquired someone with staying power as these men have usually been in fairly long term marriages. They both are mirroring themselves as far as narcissist. Writing letters like that does not exsolve the pain they both knowingly inflict on the wife and family. They should stay together as 2 more would be taken off the piranha market. Selfish nobodies!

  33. After I originally left a comment I seem to have clicked
    on the -Notify me when new comments are added-
    checkbox and from now on every time a comment is added I receive
    4 emails with the same comment. Is there a means you are able to remove me from that service?
    Thanks!

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