May 17, 2009
You forwarded me an email today that said we should treasure the people in our life who matter and let go of those who don’t. I understood the intention behind it and what you were trying to say. But I deleted it without sending it back to you.
I’m sure you think it was just because I hate email forwards. You’d be wrong. Oh, I do hate them, but generally I forward the sappy ones to the people I care about. Not this time.
I deleted it because I am certain that you have no idea who I am. I deleted it because you fail to see the things that are important to me and respond to them. I deleted it because of the way you have treated my husband for these last 15 years. No one says you have to love him or even like him, but treating him with respect seems like something you could do for me. (more…)
May 17, 2009
I was playing with the baby this morning, after doing my writing, and I wanted to tell you something.
I know that, for as long as I’ve known you, you’ve worried about how good of a mother you would be.
I just want to tell you, again, that looking back at the last seven months, I couldn’t be more confident that you are (and will be) an awesome mother.
I’ve watched, again and again, as you put Gracie before your own comfort, desires, and needs, and always in a loving, nurturing way.
Not out of obligation or responsibility, but out of love.
I think that the examples and experiences that you’ve had, have given you the opportunity to either be the mother you feared you would be, or to learn from them and become with mother you wish you’d had.
You have done the latter, and I can’t tell you how much I respect and admire you for that. You’ve always been someone I’ve looked up to, and this is one more example of why. (more…)
May 11, 2009
It’s Mother’s Day and everyone I know is sending flowers and candy to their real mothers to celebrate. But you and I know that I can’t do that. My mother said she just couldn’t handle one more baby. She cried in your arms and you begged her to stay; to wait, to think; to stop the drugs and the life that sucked her very breath away. But she was too young, too foolish, and too lost in herself. So you said yes, and took me and showed me the love my own mother could not give. I never knew or understood the pain you felt that first night when you bundled me up, took me home, and held me as I cried long into the night.
You were there when I took my first step and lost my first tooth. You held my hand on the first day of school as I skipped to class in my new shoes. I said you were my mother and no one asked why you were so much older than all the other moms were. You made cupcakes for birthdays and took me to piano lessons. I never questioned your love, support, or kindness. You simply smiled and called me “sweet daughter” and that was enough for me.
I never knew you were anything but my mother until the day I saw my birth certificate when I applied for my drivers’ permit. The day, the place, the time…all of these were right, but the names shown as mother and father were strangers to me. Who were these people? My heart broke when I realized you were not my mother at all, but someone else, someone with no connection to me. Who were you and why was I here? (more…)
May 11, 2009
I am sorry I had been such a terrible daughter all these years. You have never minded spending all your hard-earned money on me, but I have not been grateful, only resentful that you buy me expensive, beautiful clothes to wear, always thinking that because I did not inherit your beauty, you had been mocking me, and trying to cover up my ugliness and make me look more worthy of you. But that had never been the case. I know that now. You love me. You simply love me with all your might. You never saw me as ugly: you, the beautiful woman who has a daughter with plain looks never saw that I am not as good as you are. You always saw me as a princess. You saw my heart and knew that deep down I am good and beauty shines through.
You have had so many disappointments in life, and I had been the only truly good thing you were sure about: that I am your daughter, for you to hold, love and pamper, without worries of my betraying you, as so many had done. I am sorry I never realized any of it. (more…)
May 11, 2009
Mother’s Day is coming up soon and it got me thinking about our relationship over the years. There are so many things we say and don’t say to each other in almost every conversation we have. And we talk everyday so it is weird that there are things we don’t say to each other. We have always had an amazing relationship even when we were at odds when I was a teenager wanting to be a grown up. You always had my best interests at heart. Maybe it is because I am a mother now that I can completely see where you were coming from on those occasions that I heartily disagreed with your judgment. I’m sure my kids are going to disagree with my judgments too already they are starting and they aren’t teenagers yet.
Why is it that there are things we don’t say to each other? Is it because it makes us sound sappy? Is it because we are scared? I know that every day when we talk to each other that we say “I love you” but what else is behind those words? (more…)