Feb 15, 2014
Fifteen years ago, you came into my life, and I had no idea I would one day look back on you as the biggest mistake I’d ever made. You see, I believe that everything in our lives strengthens us and prepares us for where we are now, and if we like where we are, we shouldn’t change anything.
And yet, I still would go back and wish I had never met you. That has to show you the distaste I have for you.
Worse than that, I still shudder and feel unclean, dirty, filthy when I think that I ever let you touch my body, and I feel guilty that I ever enjoyed it, relished in that touch. Worse yet, I feel ashamed that I ever thought I might have loved you.
The things you have done to me don’t even matter, though the lies, the using me to get what you wanted… they don’t matter. That doesn’t matter. (more…)
Jun 28, 2011
Dear Human Beings of the Earth:
I personally think the universe is a living, breathing entity. It expands and collapses (breathing) and it grows and changes. We are but parasites of to the host which is the universe, and much like our own bodies have parasites that we are host to, sometimes these parasites are good and sometimes they are bad.
Sometimes the parasites are the very thing that keeps our bodies alive. Other times we take meds to wipe some parasites out completely.
Is the universe as a whole really that different to us? (more…)
Jun 24, 2011
I’ve never liked you. You know that. My relationship with you started when I was quite young, and you took my grandfather and then my father away from me. My grandfather you took from liver cirrhosis, and my father was diabetes complications, but we all knew it was from the drinking. He would even sneak cough syrup and Nyquil when mom would hide you from him, knowing you hid lurking in those bottles too. I remember, as young as three years old, watching him swig back from the green and red thick liquid.
I tasted you back then, but you were so nasty, I never understood why he felt like he did about you. But he loved you. Oh, how he loved you. He loved you more than he loved me, more than he loved mom, more than he loved anything. And we paid that price. We paid for every sip of you he took, and you just sat there, taunting us, teasing him, making him love you more and more. You knew he was married, had a kid and he needed to be responsible for his family, Alcohol, but you took him away from us, night after night, as he sought your solace in bar after bar.
But there was no solace, was there? You only left him wanting more and more.
Then it was my turn. (more…)
Jun 23, 2011
Every now and again I think about you, and I can’t help but feel sad. You didn’t deserve what happened to you, but I didn’t know what else I was supposed to do. I knew I was broke and I knew that I couldn’t afford to have a pet, so when I found you as a little kitten, I should have taken you to the pound or found a home for you where someone else could take care of you. But I didn’t have anything that made me happy, and you made me smile.
You were so small and cute. You were so much fun, tearing up the house and lapping up milk. I know that the canned meats weren’t the healthiest things I could feed you, but I could afford them with Food Stamps.
When you got sick, I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t afford to take you to the vet. I tried to take care of you myself, but you were just so sick. I didn’t know what to do, so I took you outside, put you in a little box, and left you there. I couldn’t handle your dying on me. I left you alone, scared, sick. I’d had you for several months, and I loved you, but I left you alone. I didn’t even put you somewhere close by, because I didn’t want to look and see where I’d left you. (more…)
Jun 22, 2011
I have a secret I’ve been keeping inside for years, one that haunts me at night. I carry it around with me, always on my mind, ever-present. I think about what I’ve done, why I did it, and it all makes sense when I think back on it, but right now, with my new life, where I’m at now, and I can’t believe I ever did to you what I did.
But you don’t even know what I did. I don’t know where you are, or how to find you, or what I’d do even if I knew how to find you. So the only thing I know to do is to write it here in a letter I can’t ever send to you. I do wonder, if I could, would I send it? I don’t know.
So here goes… (more…)