I Believe, by M.J. Anderson (Unsent Letters Religion Theme)

Dear Rob,

I’ve written so many letters to you… so very many, and not one of them was ever intended for you to read. I suppose it was more my way of talking to you in a tangible way, a way where others wouldn’t think I was crazy.

You see, there was a time when I wasn’t quite so sure of the existence of God, a creator of all creators, some unseen and unknown force in the universe that was all, created all, was both not and part of it all. My life had been hell on earth, and the only bright spot up to the point in time when I doubted creation, doubted God, was you, Rob.

And then you died.

I was devastated, heartbroken. There are not words enough to explain what it’s like when the unthinkable happens. You were only 27 years old. People aren’t supposed to die at that age, and if they do, it’s supposed to be because they were sick, and there’s time to prepare… not that you can ever really prepare for death, but at least you know to expect it.

But to kiss you goodbye and make you promise to call me when your plane landed only to wake up to the phone ringing, and it not be you… no one is ever able to prepare for that.

I don’t remember much of what happened in the days right after your death. I honestly can’t say I remember the funeral, but I’m told I was there. It’s strange how the mind can block out things it doesn’t want to remember.

I lost myself for a time, and the world around me started falling apart. I called out to God, which was strange in itself, since I’d never really done that before. God didn’t answer me.

You did.

If I were to tell people that I touched you, kissed you, made love to you months after you died, they would think I was crazy.

Maybe I am.

It was real to me. Isn’t that all that matters?

At a time when most people would lose their faith, ask God why, and turn away from God because of the pain, through you, Rob, I found faith.

Maybe it’s not faith. After all, I had always been agnostic. I wouldn’t believe in anything I could see, hear, feel, touch or have some proof it existed. I didn’t deny the existence of God, but I surely wouldn’t have advocated for it either.

But when you were there, in front of me, as real to me as when you were alive–the same, only different– that is when I began to truly believe.

I learned through you that there is existence beyond this world, that this life is not simply a test or a prerequisite and neither is it all there is to existence for us. Through you, I learned there is something more. I don’t know what that ‘more’ is, and quite frankly, I don’t need to know. All I needed to know is that there IS more.

And logic dictates that behind creation, behind that ‘more’, something has to hold it together, keep the world spinning, and keep everything right.

So as Easter comes around, a time of rebirth, resurrection, awakening and spirituality not just for Christians, but for all faiths or even for just the celebration of life growing again after the dead of winter, I find myself thinking about you, as I often do, and thinking about the ‘other side’ to life, that place beyond death, that place where we originate and return, resurrecting or real life after our life here.

I need that faith.

Through you, I found life. In you, there was death. Through your death, I learned to live again. Through our love, life together is unending.

Each time I catch a glimpse of you out of the corner of my eye, each time my head turns and I feel you watching me, each time there is sound in my silence, I know you are here with me, watching me.

As the song says, “There are more than angels watching over me… and I believe.”

So while it’s not the type of love letter you probably expected, Rob, I think giving me back my faith, my belief, was one of the most beautiful gifts you’ve ever given me.

Thank you for showing me ‘more’.

“Every now and then, the softest breath upon my skin, I feel you come back again… and I believe.”

I love you.

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5 Responses to “I Believe, by M.J. Anderson (Unsent Letters Religion Theme)”

  1. Linda St.Cyr says:

    This letter made me cry. It was so moving. Thank you for sharing it.

  2. Elle says:

    Finding life and losing it. Finding death and overcoming it. Finding eternity and sharing it.

    I don’t know what the Energy is that defeats entropy, but I know that Energy exists, and I’m ok with calling it God. I have tangible proof everyday when I see things come together that never should have, when I see “work” being done which counters entropy and chaos.

    Emotionally, your letter touched me. I believe you are blessed.
    I wish you continued blessings.

  3. Gillian says:

    Beautiful letter, so emotional and proof that we find faith, belief where we need it.

  4. Oh goodness, this was so amazing. Thank you for putting your heart out there like this, I am truly moved.

  5. Jinny says:

    Thanks for article. Everytime like to read you.

    Thank you

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