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CONFESSIONS: Dear Love, by Siren (anonymous)

Dear love,1201008_80293539
I guess it’s time I confessed. It’s been on my mind for a long time, and the only reason I haven’t said anything is because I know how many people would be hurt by my words. If my position were different, if family wasn’t an issue, let me confess… I wouldn’t be here.

I love my family, even the partner who I no longer share a bed with. I’m pretty sure most people think I don’t love him, but it’s not true. I love him deeply, but no longer as the ‘gay young lovers’ we once were. The love we had, the passion and adoration, no longer exists. If I had had a brother, he is the one I would have chosen. A friend, someone who supports me and does not question my decisions, only watches me muddle my way through them and picks up the pieces at the other end. I love him my way, and most people would say ‘my way or the highway’ is akin to a motto for me.

I love my kids too. I never envisioned myself with children. I suffered incredible guilt when I fell for four children in a row whilst my sister struggled, miscarried and fought to bear two. It seemed incredibly wrong that she was denied, a woman who was a mother to her core, and I ‘shelled ‘em like peas’. When my children arrived, I had my version of suffering, battling post-natal depression, not always well. For all that, I would never change anything. My children are amazing to me. Sometimes I can barely believe they are mine, these incredible, complex individuals who I would die for in a heartbeat.

I confess, despite the love, the happiness and the life I have, I would run if I could. I would run to another country, another life and to an, at best, uncertain future. It seems unbelievable to me, even considering running to another life, yet I know I would do it… but for love.

It is love that tears me apart. I’ve never really loved with that all consuming passion, never known he was ‘the one’. I’ve loved gently, passionately, painfully, but never completely, until recently. Of course, I can’t just fall for anyone, my way or the highway once more. I managed to fall for someone so far away and so unattainable (or so I thought), most people would immediately think ‘That’s why. It’s a safe love, a love that can never be fulfilled’. Not so.

Since the beginning, it has gradually become clear that this love is possible. This one time, all consuming, complete and utter love has become a very real possibility which I can reach for and claim… but for love. It has reached the stage where love is all that keeps me in place. I could run to him and claim this once in a lifetime love, but for the love I have here, with my children and my partner.

I confess, I have no wish to break their hearts and the coward in me does not want to bear their anger and confusion. Perhaps, one day, they would understand, but I don’t know if that is true. I can’t predict how they might feel ten years from now. They are all old enough to understand the basic facts of the matter, even some of the emotional struggle, but I am their mother, I am his partner. How do I walk up to them and say ‘I love someone so much that I will walk away from all of you and go to him, without a backward glance’?

Circumstances are pushing the situation ever forward and there will come a point, not far distant, when my hand is forced. Time is not on our side. It is running out, so fast it scares me. I could lose him before I can see him face to face. Do I go to him, start a new life (which, very possibly, could be suddenly cut short, leaving me ‘a stranger in a strange land) or do I stay here, be a mother to children who are flying the nest and will have flown within a couple of years and spend the rest of my life wondering ‘what if…’ Do I make one totally selfish decision in my life, do one thing for me without considering anyone else or do I smother my inner desires, batten down the risk taker and smile as I watch potential happiness fade away?

I confess… I do not know.

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11 Responses to “CONFESSIONS: Dear Love, by Siren (anonymous)”

  1. Linda Johnson says:

    “before I can see him face to face?” You haven’t even met? “Time is running out..” He’s dying? Or he has said now or never. (My way or the highway, which is supposed to be YOUR m.o.) Hold on. You have no way of knowing if your potential happiness would come to fruition or last (you haven’t seen him face to face, much less had an ongiong relationship), but you do know you would tear up six lives. So do the math.

  2. Angel says:

    Very sad situation. I agree somewhat with Linda in that you don’t really know the new love would be perfect, but only you can decide if the risk is worth it. Be true to yourself is all I can offer. I am sorry you are not happy in your marriage. I always hate to see situations like this.

  3. Ryanick Paige says:

    It is always easier to think the grass is greener on the other side. It is easy to love something that you don’t have, something you don’t have to work at, something you only have to deal with when you want to. If you have never met face to face, you truly have no idea if you love this person. You might love the thought of him, the thought of being with him, and you might even love what you do know about him. However, until you have met him face to face and have had a physical relationship with him (no I don’t mean just sex) to say you love him is a strong word to use.

  4. Charlotte says:

    I have to agree with the two previous comments. I once thought the grass was greener on the other side, only to check it out before actually taking the risk, and found out that it was not all I thought it would be. I’m so glad I didn’t make a forever mistake. Think before you leap and good luck with your future.

  5. You’ve already left them emotional. You already gave up. Sad thing it is that your happiness has slipped through your fingers and it is right there in front of you/with you everyday. A relationaship has to be worked on even as the children grow and leave home. If you leave now or later the same hurt will happen. But then, you’ve already left them.

  6. Donna Thacker says:

    I am sorry for your pain, but truthfully this sounds more like being thrilled by the unknown more than being in love. trust that I know what I am talking about. My beloved husband once told me, that a flash fire is beautiful, thrilling and exciting, but it is over pretty quickly. A slow steady burning ember will burn forever if properly cared for! I hope you make the right decision for your entire families sake.

  7. TheBigfut says:

    This is an escapist thought process. We’re not even talking about going back to a previous love or young love even. We’re talking about abandoning those you have made a commitment to, one by choice of marriage the others by the choice of bearing them, for apparent freedom. What are you going to do in the new situation when the glamor wears off there? Once again how America has gotten in the rotten shape, taking the easy way out, she is in today. But there again if you walk away from responsibilities life is easier. Then people know you are not someone they can trust that just runs to things for their own self pleasure despite their commitments.

  8. Brown says:

    I read a few topics. I respect your work and added blog to favorites.

  9. shewolf5 says:

    Siren,
    Know that you are not alone in your pain and confusion. When you have been married for quite some time and raised children like you have sometimes you wonder where you got lost in the shuffle. More than one married woman can identify with parts of what you are saying including me. I dont have another man somewhere out there but I do know what it is to wonder what if. I also know the unbearable pain and scars a child recieves when parents go their seperate ways on a whim. Your children may forgive you but I promise they will never forget. Besides like most of the others have said it is easy to believe what you want about this other man, you have never even seen him! We all have warts and moles and you can bet Mr. Right has his share as well. My final thoughts for you are this…. If you are looking outside of yourself for hapiness you will never find it.

  10. Arsento says:

    I really like your blog and i respect your work. I’ll be a frequent visitor.

  11. Anjali says:

    One thing that American culture does that is greatly to the disservice of young people, who then grow older to go through this kind of dilemma, is maintain that marriage should be based solely on a terribly ephemeral feeling: romance. And when the romance ends, as it usually does when you’ve shared an entire life with someone, we Americans are enculturated to believe that the marriage/relationship is over. I think that you have bought into that sad message, so I encourage you to think of other qualities, such as loyalty, fidelity, integrity, and honor, as even more important than romance, as they are. If you do not shed your family and travel to be with this man, whom you truly do not know unless you have spent a great deal of time with him in a variety of situations, then you will be left with only some pain, mild poignancy, perhaps, but certainly a feeling that will produce a lot of great writing! If, however, you decide to dishonor your marriage vows and break the heart of the partner you claim to love, the children you have borne, and break the back of your honor, I can promise that you will not be left with a mere bittersweet sadness that fades in time. You will be wracked with iron guilt that saws away at your heart unceasingly and would likely poison the new relationship. You seem to be a person who does have a sense of what damage it would cause if you were to leave — and you care about it! There is something in you that is saying that, in your situation, it is not right to leave. I hear that in your letter, and I hope that you listen to that side of yourself. For what the others have said here is right: this person you don’t even know might be exciting and romantic, but the thrill WILL pall. It is inevitable. But then there is the love that you carry for your partner — I assure you that this love, that which has lasted all through your lives and children, will, if you allow it, last forever, even if you do not sleep in the same bed, but ONLY if you value it more than you value that tenuous illusion, romantic love. Your heart, I believe, is telling you that to do the “selfish” thing, as I believe you characterized it, would wreak irreparable damage on your family. And even if it didn’t, even if they did forgive you, would you ever be able to forgive yourself?

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