Jun 20, 2011
I don’t know why I did that internet search the other day on your name. At first, it was just a whim type of thing, searching for people I remembered from high school and college, friends I’d lost touch with. I guess most of us do that at some point or another, right? So when I entered your name into Facebook, I was surprised when your name came up, because it’s such an unusual name. I remembered thinking, “There’s no way there’s two of them…”
But there was your picture. There was no mistaking it was you. My heart skipped a beat. Then it fluttered, then it sped up and I sighed.
You were my best friend. You were my lover. You were, for that time in my life, my everything, and then, one day, you were gone. And for the past twelve years, you have been nothing more than a distant memory. Until yesterday, when you were larger than life.
And you were only one click away. Just one click. Just a little click on the ‘send’ button, and I could reconnect to… what? To you? To my past? To a different life?
I wrote the email I wanted to send, then I wrote it again, then I wrote it again. And then I wrote this. And then I wrote this again. I deleted, wrote, rewrote.
In the end, I left the letter unsent. (more…)
Dec 12, 2009
Is it really that hard to say that you love me in front of someone else? I don’t understand. I listen to you talk to a friend on the phone and you end the conversation with, “I love you!” You do it so easily because you know no one is going to mistake that love as anything other than the love of a friend for another friend.
Then, last night, when I called you and you were with someone else, and when I said, “I love you,” you fell silent. You tried to compensate with something about having a good night, or seeing me soon, but the pause and missing profession of love was evident, palpable, tangible. I realize it’s because of multiple reasons, who you were with not wanting to or ready to answer questions, and also because, knowing your own feelings, you fear they would show more than the love you expressed to your friend. (more…)
Jun 21, 2009
To The Man Who Holds My Heart and My Children:
I sit here, at the end of what I am certain is our most difficult parenting day to date, completely in love with the man you have become. When we met those ten and a half years ago, I knew there was something about you, something I wouldn’t be able to find in anyone else. Now, I know that is true. I’m not certain what exactly I did to deserve you, but I will tell you I do not take a single ounce of your love for granted.
My love, you are compassionate.
You don’t hesitate to scoop our babies up into your arms after they fall down and get hurt. You even sympathize with their devastation over a broken toy and tickle their sadness away. In the midst of my own tears, you quickly wrap me in a silent hug and let me bury my head into your chest until my grief has subsided. No matter how big or small the situation, you listen, you understand, and you care.
You are the most unselfish person I have ever met. (more…)
May 11, 2009
It’s Mother’s Day and everyone I know is sending flowers and candy to their real mothers to celebrate. But you and I know that I can’t do that. My mother said she just couldn’t handle one more baby. She cried in your arms and you begged her to stay; to wait, to think; to stop the drugs and the life that sucked her very breath away. But she was too young, too foolish, and too lost in herself. So you said yes, and took me and showed me the love my own mother could not give. I never knew or understood the pain you felt that first night when you bundled me up, took me home, and held me as I cried long into the night.
You were there when I took my first step and lost my first tooth. You held my hand on the first day of school as I skipped to class in my new shoes. I said you were my mother and no one asked why you were so much older than all the other moms were. You made cupcakes for birthdays and took me to piano lessons. I never questioned your love, support, or kindness. You simply smiled and called me “sweet daughter” and that was enough for me.
I never knew you were anything but my mother until the day I saw my birth certificate when I applied for my drivers’ permit. The day, the place, the time…all of these were right, but the names shown as mother and father were strangers to me. Who were these people? My heart broke when I realized you were not my mother at all, but someone else, someone with no connection to me. Who were you and why was I here? (more…)
Mar 19, 2009
It’s such an inconsistency, falling in love. The feelings and hopes mixed with the doubts and fears. The future I dream of seems like a fantasy… a fantasy that has roots in our reality. Meeting you has had the power to change everything.I have spent my entire life dreading the passing of time, time wasted and of it all ending. Now, all I wish is that time would speed forward and rush past me like the wind of a storm. This is because when enough time has passed, I can finally be with you. The day will come when I can wake up in your arms. When that time comes, I will be waking up from dreams that have come true.
I know it is too soon to tell you all of these feelings and thoughts I am having, but these feelings are here and I think it is important to write them down and express them in some way. One day, when we are in love, I will let you read this, and you will know how you have made me feel so early in our relationship. (more…)