Jul 16, 2009
I still can smell the lingering scent of white orchids and roses in the air when I close my eyes and picture seeing you standing in your white tuxedo across that little wooden bridge where I would be joining you soon, to become your wife. You were so handsome, standing tall and proud, your hands clasped together in front of you. I remember giggling, thinking how you looked nervous, and how very out of character that was for you. A shuffle of your feet, you reached up to tug at your collar. I’m certain that even from the distance where I stood, I could hear you clear your throat slightly.
My dress was probably the most grown up and beautiful thing I had ever worn. I was only 18 years old, but I felt like a fully grown woman standing there waiting to walk to you. Looking back in the years that passed since then, I know I was nowhere near fully grown back then. (more…)
Jun 21, 2009
To The Man Who Holds My Heart and My Children:
I sit here, at the end of what I am certain is our most difficult parenting day to date, completely in love with the man you have become. When we met those ten and a half years ago, I knew there was something about you, something I wouldn’t be able to find in anyone else. Now, I know that is true. I’m not certain what exactly I did to deserve you, but I will tell you I do not take a single ounce of your love for granted.
My love, you are compassionate.
You don’t hesitate to scoop our babies up into your arms after they fall down and get hurt. You even sympathize with their devastation over a broken toy and tickle their sadness away. In the midst of my own tears, you quickly wrap me in a silent hug and let me bury my head into your chest until my grief has subsided. No matter how big or small the situation, you listen, you understand, and you care.
You are the most unselfish person I have ever met. (more…)
Jun 9, 2009
Dear Ex Love,
Sometimes, I forget that I’m not supposed to be in love with you anymore.
I walk past your favorite food in the grocery store and think I’d like to buy it for you for dinner. Then I remember I’m not supposed to love you anymore.
I drive by the donut shop on Eight Street and remember when we used to sit there together and eat the hot donuts early in the morning. My heart flutters and I feel those butterflies inside. Then I remember I’m not supposed to love you anymore.
I drive home to the house we used to share, see your car in the drive, and I get excited to see you. Then I remember I’m not supposed to love you anymore. (more…)
Apr 13, 2009
I’ve written so many letters to you… so very many, and not one of them was ever intended for you to read. I suppose it was more my way of talking to you in a tangible way, a way where others wouldn’t think I was crazy.
You see, there was a time when I wasn’t quite so sure of the existence of God, a creator of all creators, some unseen and unknown force in the universe that was all, created all, was both not and part of it all. My life had been hell on earth, and the only bright spot up to the point in time when I doubted creation, doubted God, was you, Rob.
And then you died. (more…)
Mar 31, 2009
In this world, I thought I was smart, learned, educated… I had been through hell, been to heaven, and everywhere in between… so much I had experienced, so much I thought I knew.
And then there was you.
I learned from you that as much as I thought I knew, I had only begun to understand and know the world around me. I never knew the sky could be quite so blue or a sunset so beautiful as when I watched it through your eyes, watching me.
I never knew what family really meant. (more…)