Jul 16, 2009
I still can smell the lingering scent of white orchids and roses in the air when I close my eyes and picture seeing you standing in your white tuxedo across that little wooden bridge where I would be joining you soon, to become your wife. You were so handsome, standing tall and proud, your hands clasped together in front of you. I remember giggling, thinking how you looked nervous, and how very out of character that was for you. A shuffle of your feet, you reached up to tug at your collar. I’m certain that even from the distance where I stood, I could hear you clear your throat slightly.
My dress was probably the most grown up and beautiful thing I had ever worn. I was only 18 years old, but I felt like a fully grown woman standing there waiting to walk to you. Looking back in the years that passed since then, I know I was nowhere near fully grown back then. (more…)
Jun 11, 2009
I suppose I’m supposed to say that it’s your fault I am sleeping with your husband, because you didn’t take care of his needs or you didn’t do what a good wife should do, or some other nonsense. We both know that’s not really true. Infidelity isn’t the fault of the faithful spouse most of the time, and the truth is, your husband is just not a faithful man.
I’m not in love with him. Not sure I ever was or will be in love with him, but you see, for me, he is safe. Safe because he has you. And you, you’re safe because he has me. I know him and his past, a past he’s tried to hide from you (though I think you know more than you let on) and if it weren’t for me, he’d be out there sleeping with lots of different women. At least I’m clean. You won’t catch anything from him through me. After all, while he is a cheat, you and I both are faithful women.
That part is just justification though. (more…)
Jun 9, 2009
Dear Ex Love,
Sometimes, I forget that I’m not supposed to be in love with you anymore.
I walk past your favorite food in the grocery store and think I’d like to buy it for you for dinner. Then I remember I’m not supposed to love you anymore.
I drive by the donut shop on Eight Street and remember when we used to sit there together and eat the hot donuts early in the morning. My heart flutters and I feel those butterflies inside. Then I remember I’m not supposed to love you anymore.
I drive home to the house we used to share, see your car in the drive, and I get excited to see you. Then I remember I’m not supposed to love you anymore. (more…)
Apr 13, 2009
I’ve written so many letters to you… so very many, and not one of them was ever intended for you to read. I suppose it was more my way of talking to you in a tangible way, a way where others wouldn’t think I was crazy.
You see, there was a time when I wasn’t quite so sure of the existence of God, a creator of all creators, some unseen and unknown force in the universe that was all, created all, was both not and part of it all. My life had been hell on earth, and the only bright spot up to the point in time when I doubted creation, doubted God, was you, Rob.
And then you died. (more…)
Mar 31, 2009
In this world, I thought I was smart, learned, educated… I had been through hell, been to heaven, and everywhere in between… so much I had experienced, so much I thought I knew.
And then there was you.
I learned from you that as much as I thought I knew, I had only begun to understand and know the world around me. I never knew the sky could be quite so blue or a sunset so beautiful as when I watched it through your eyes, watching me.
I never knew what family really meant. (more…)