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Currently Browsing: Humorous Letters

Dear Doctor: by A Patient of Yours

Dearest doctor,

I, like so many others with the ‘invisible illnesses’ out there today, came to you hoping for a little compassion, but mostly just expecting you to do your job and treat me. I had the erroneous conclusion that when a person goes to a doctor, the doctor listens to their symptoms, decides what tests to perform and then runs those tests, and that within a few days to a few weeks, gives you a diagnosis, prescribes medication, follows up as necessary and then you go on your merry way. Of course, I knew serious conditions might require more attention, but what I never imagined was that I’d be here, four years later, still not knowing what is wrong with me, what is causing my symptoms, and having you tell me that maybe I just need to lose weight, get up and move more.. or maybe I’m depressed?

I am depressed: I’m depressed that you can’t find out what’s really wrong with me!

But it’s more than that. When I first came to you, you promised me, with your hand on my leg, comforting voice and soft eyes, that you believed me and that you WOULD get to the bottom of this. Yesterday, though, I sat in your office and you said to me, “Well, you know, with your weight, and with…” (more…)

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Dear Editor, by A Writer

Dear Snobby Editor:

So I sent you my manuscript, and you kept it for 389 days. I had already given up, since your submission guidelines said you would respond to my query within three months. I’m a writer, and I’ve never been very good at math, but I’m pretty sure 389 days is longer than three months. I gave you exclusive rights to it for the entire three months, waiting on submitting it to any place else, so you could have it for as long as necessary.

I don’t really mind that you took so long to respond, though. Truly, I don’t. I mean, if you were to tell me you were going to publish my writing, that would be just fine with me. But no, you kept my story for all that time, only to reject me 389 days later. (more…)

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Dear Fat Girl, by Rissa Watkins

Dear Fat Girl,

Step away from the buffet table for a minute, because we need to talk.

You and I have always been at odds with each other. I would join the gym, and you would eat a piece of birthday cake at an office birthday party. We had a rivalry, but we still liked each other.

You used to occasionally indulge. You never drank regular soda or ate candy bars. Lately, that has changed. You have become a glutton, and quite frankly, you disgust me. (more…)

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Dear AOL, by Laurie Darroch-Meekis

Dear AOL,I don’t recall asking for babysitting or legal guardian services when I signed up with your company. I simply wanted an online mail service that was easy to use and easily accessible from anywhere.

I must state emphatically that I am of legal age and sound mind. I am a highly intelligent adult who is quite capable of doing a simple task like sorting through my own emails without supervision. I really do not need to be asked, “Do you know this person,” and clicking on yes or no, when every email appears in my email box, before you allow me to open the email.

I am quite able to distinguish between an email from a dear friend I have known for years and one from the daughter of the former king of Maamboozia who has mysteriously left me 50 million pounds sterling, and who only requires my bank account numbers and personal pin numbers in order to deposit the aforementioned sum in my accounts. (more…)

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Dear Miami International Airport, by Lea Ann Fessenden-Joseph

Every now and then, the world needs a little humor, and we have to laugh at life’s struggles. Our featured writer today, Lea Ann Fessenden-Joseph, understands that completely! Have a chuckle at her expense!

Dear Miami International Airport,

I just wanted to drop a line and thank you for your ongoing construction projects to “enhance the passenger experience” at Miami International Airport. As an American expat living in the Caribbean, I travel frequently through your airport, because it is one of the main entry ports into the United States.

I have, on more than one occasion, been forced to sleep in your lovely building, typically Terminal D. I though I might suggest that when you are ready to replace your current black pleather chrome-armed chairs, you might opt for a few sofas or daybeds. Your floor is quite hard and a little dirty. It is difficult to sleep with your midsection bent over a cold metal armrest, barring you from a good stretch-out and therefore a few moments nap while clutching your belongings to keep from being robbed mid-dream.

In fact, I would gladly pay $5 an hour for a small closet with a cot. In these tough economic times, this is an idea you may want to pursue, to further “enhance the customer experience”. (more…)

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