Currently Browsing: Ex Boyfriend
Jun 22, 2011
I have a secret I’ve been keeping inside for years, one that haunts me at night. I carry it around with me, always on my mind, ever-present. I think about what I’ve done, why I did it, and it all makes sense when I think back on it, but right now, with my new life, where I’m at now, and I can’t believe I ever did to you what I did.
But you don’t even know what I did. I don’t know where you are, or how to find you, or what I’d do even if I knew how to find you. So the only thing I know to do is to write it here in a letter I can’t ever send to you. I do wonder, if I could, would I send it? I don’t know.
So here goes… (more…)
Jun 20, 2011
I don’t know why I did that internet search the other day on your name. At first, it was just a whim type of thing, searching for people I remembered from high school and college, friends I’d lost touch with. I guess most of us do that at some point or another, right? So when I entered your name into Facebook, I was surprised when your name came up, because it’s such an unusual name. I remembered thinking, “There’s no way there’s two of them…”
But there was your picture. There was no mistaking it was you. My heart skipped a beat. Then it fluttered, then it sped up and I sighed.
You were my best friend. You were my lover. You were, for that time in my life, my everything, and then, one day, you were gone. And for the past twelve years, you have been nothing more than a distant memory. Until yesterday, when you were larger than life.
And you were only one click away. Just one click. Just a little click on the ‘send’ button, and I could reconnect to… what? To you? To my past? To a different life?
I wrote the email I wanted to send, then I wrote it again, then I wrote it again. And then I wrote this. And then I wrote this again. I deleted, wrote, rewrote.
In the end, I left the letter unsent. (more…)
Mar 23, 2010
It has been three months since you left and your presence still feels as close to me as it ever was. I feel you watching over me, protecting me from all the unknown fears that lie deep in my river of thoughts.
You sheltered me as if I were fragile and breakable. I am broken without you here. Time and space have no meaning. My hours turn to days, and my days turn to months for my shattered being. (more…)
Mar 20, 2010
I remember sitting crying one night when a song came on the radio. You never understood why I cried that night. I never did explain it to you, even after you got angry and stormed around the house. You never did understand that sometimes I just needed to cry and that it didn’t always mean you’d done something wrong. That night, though, it wasn’t so much that you had done something wrong. The reason for my tears was more that you had simply never done anything right. I tried to explain to you that just because you’ve done nothing wrong doesn’t mean you did everything right, and you never understood that either.
I guess in the end it was this lack of understanding that did in our relationship. Of all the things we struggled through, the only one I couldn’t ever move past was you sitting there staring at me with that blank look letting me know that we simply never were on the same page.
But that night, the radio came on, and the song playing had the following lyrics, “You’re a complicated lady, that’s for sure, with a need for someone unafraid to make you feel secure. And if you wonder if I’m strong enough to be your man: Yes I am…”
That’s when the tears started to fall. You see, that’s what I needed… someone strong enough to be there for me, knowing that it would really take someone with amazing strength to do so, and I knew, in that instant, with those words from that song, that it was clear to me you were not strong enough. You weren’t the one. (more…)
Aug 9, 2009
The piece that follows was written over 10 years ago now. I wrote it while I was in a relationship with a man who treated me with love and respect, but he used drugs. Occasional marijuana use turned into snorting cocaine, and led to freebasing coke, and that lead to other things.
As his world fell around him, I tried to save him. For two more years after the drug abuse worsened, we continued an on again off again relationship. Eventually, the toll this drug abuse had on the relationship became too much for me, and I had to walk away.
Today, he and I are friends, good friends even, and I still care deeply for him, though I have moved on with my life. Sometimes, I will see him and my heart flip flops, with a mixture of emotion between sorrow and wistful regret that I cannot fix him, cannot save him. Each year goes by, and he looks worse and worse. My heart wants to reach out and pick him up, but having broken away from my codependency, I know beyond doubt that I cannot save him.
Anyone who has experienced codependency, no matter the cause (it’s not always drugs or alcohol) will probably understand the feelings expressed in this writing.
I hope you enjoy it. (more…)