Currently Browsing: Cheating
Mar 15, 2012
Fifteen years ago, you came into my life, and I had no idea I would one day look back on you as the biggest mistake I’d ever made. You see, I believe that everything in our lives strengthens us and prepares us for where we are now, and if we like where we are, we shouldn’t change anything.
And yet, I still would go back and wish I had never met you. That has to show you the distaste I have for you.
Worse than that, I still shudder and feel unclean, dirty, filthy when I think that I ever let you touch my body, and I feel guilty that I ever enjoyed it, relished in that touch. Worse yet, I feel ashamed that I ever thought I might have loved you.
The things you have done to me don’t even matter, though the lies, the using me to get what you wanted… they don’t matter. That doesn’t matter. (more…)
Mar 20, 2010
I remember sitting crying one night when a song came on the radio. You never understood why I cried that night. I never did explain it to you, even after you got angry and stormed around the house. You never did understand that sometimes I just needed to cry and that it didn’t always mean you’d done something wrong. That night, though, it wasn’t so much that you had done something wrong. The reason for my tears was more that you had simply never done anything right. I tried to explain to you that just because you’ve done nothing wrong doesn’t mean you did everything right, and you never understood that either.
I guess in the end it was this lack of understanding that did in our relationship. Of all the things we struggled through, the only one I couldn’t ever move past was you sitting there staring at me with that blank look letting me know that we simply never were on the same page.
But that night, the radio came on, and the song playing had the following lyrics, “You’re a complicated lady, that’s for sure, with a need for someone unafraid to make you feel secure. And if you wonder if I’m strong enough to be your man: Yes I am…”
That’s when the tears started to fall. You see, that’s what I needed… someone strong enough to be there for me, knowing that it would really take someone with amazing strength to do so, and I knew, in that instant, with those words from that song, that it was clear to me you were not strong enough. You weren’t the one. (more…)
Aug 16, 2009
I guess it’s time I confessed. It’s been on my mind for a long time, and the only reason I haven’t said anything is because I know how many people would be hurt by my words. If my position were different, if family wasn’t an issue, let me confess… I wouldn’t be here.
I love my family, even the partner who I no longer share a bed with. I’m pretty sure most people think I don’t love him, but it’s not true. I love him deeply, but no longer as the ‘gay young lovers’ we once were. The love we had, the passion and adoration, no longer exists. If I had had a brother, he is the one I would have chosen. A friend, someone who supports me and does not question my decisions, only watches me muddle my way through them and picks up the pieces at the other end. I love him my way, and most people would say ‘my way or the highway’ is akin to a motto for me. (more…)
Jul 6, 2009
To the man who let her go:
You don’t know me. To be perfectly honest, I don’t know you either, but I know of you. I also know your type. I also know and love someone you once claimed to love too. I suppose we have that in common, but that’s where the sameness ends. The biggest difference between us: I am smart enough to see that which was right in front of you and you neglected and abused.
How you could you look into her eyes and not see the love shining back at you? How could you look at that beautiful, soft face and not feel the desire to want to hold her, love her, touch her?
I don’t understand why you kept her at arm’s length. I don’t understand how you missed all the beauty both inside and outside of and around her.
She healed you inside. I know you felt it. I know you felt her healing touch, her love. I know you craved that from her. I crave it too, but I appreciate it, nurture it, treat it like the precious thing it is. (more…)
Jun 11, 2009
I suppose I’m supposed to say that it’s your fault I am sleeping with your husband, because you didn’t take care of his needs or you didn’t do what a good wife should do, or some other nonsense. We both know that’s not really true. Infidelity isn’t the fault of the faithful spouse most of the time, and the truth is, your husband is just not a faithful man.
I’m not in love with him. Not sure I ever was or will be in love with him, but you see, for me, he is safe. Safe because he has you. And you, you’re safe because he has me. I know him and his past, a past he’s tried to hide from you (though I think you know more than you let on) and if it weren’t for me, he’d be out there sleeping with lots of different women. At least I’m clean. You won’t catch anything from him through me. After all, while he is a cheat, you and I both are faithful women.
That part is just justification though. (more…)