Dear love,

Is it really that hard to say that you love me in front of someone else? I don’t understand. I listen to you talk to a friend on the phone and you end the conversation with, “I love you!” You do it so easily because you know no one is going to mistake that love as anything other than the love of a friend for another friend.

Then, last night, when I called you and you were with someone else, and when I said, “I love you,” you fell silent. You tried to compensate with something about having a good night, or seeing me soon, but the pause and missing profession of love was evident, palpable, tangible. I realize it’s because of multiple reasons, who you were with not wanting to or ready to answer questions, and also because, knowing your own feelings, you fear they would show more than the love you expressed to your friend.

But, what you probably don’t know, is your silence stood between us, and it stands between us now. Yet, you likely don’t realize it stands between us, and I don’t know how to tell you this without hurting you, something I’m not wont to do.

I’ve always felt we should be proud of our feelings for others, and if you can’t be proud of how you feel for someone, then maybe you shouldn’t be with that person. I’m proud of how I feel for you. I love you, and I really don’t care who knows it or what they think about it. I mean that. I think you know me well enough to know that about me.

There have been so many times in my life I’ve professed love to someone only to get silence in return, or the horrid ‘thank you’ instead of a genuine profession of emotion. I know the sting, the slap, the pain of stating your love and then the horrible pause of silence where the world stands still, sound and time slow, and nothing, absolutely nothing is said, nothing stirs, nothing comes.

I thought, having outgrown naiveté and youth, I would never be subjected to another bout of deafening silence like that again.

And here I am.

I love you.

• [emptiness]
• [alone]
• [fear]
• [sadness]

See, the silence carries much with it for me, and while that’s not your fault, it was your silence that triggered it.

I’m not angry, so please don’t think I am. I’m sad. I’m scared. I wonder if I’ll ever be someone you can be proud to love, in front of friends, family and strangers too, or if I’m always going to feel like I’m a dirty little secret. In my youth, that might have been exciting, but today, I seek more, and I want that more from you.

I just don’t know if you’re ever going to be able to give me that more without taking something away from you that you need. I realize it’s not a matter of desire or willingness, but perhaps truly is a matter of ability.

And I guess that’s what scares me the most.

I tell myself, “Just don’t say it, and then it won’t hurt when you don’t hear it back…” but the pain of not saying it is nearly as great as the pain of not hearing it.

I hate that it matters so much. I know it’s just words, but words are my game, my livelihood, my addiction, my fetish, my comfort, my life. I’m sorry that it matters so much. If I could change that, I would. I can’t change it.

It matters.

Yet, I love you. That’s how I feel, so I say it. I really don’t care who knows or hears it. I wish I could give that freedom to you too, for both our sakes.

Love,
Me

~~
The writer of this piece would like to remain anonymous, but I’m sure they will be reading, so be sure to leave a comment of support, encouragement, praise, etc. Thanks!

Tags: letter, Letter to Boyfriend, Letter to Lover, Love Letter, unsent letter