I don’t recall asking for babysitting or legal guardian services when I signed up with your company. I simply wanted an online mail service that was easy to use and easily accessible from anywhere.

I must state emphatically that I am of legal age and sound mind. I am a highly intelligent adult who is quite capable of doing a simple task like sorting through my own emails without supervision. I really do not need to be asked, “Do you know this person,” and clicking on yes or no, when every email appears in my email box, before you allow me to open the email.

I am quite able to distinguish between an email from a dear friend I have known for years and one from the daughter of the former king of Maamboozia who has mysteriously left me 50 million pounds sterling, and who only requires my bank account numbers and personal pin numbers in order to deposit the aforementioned sum in my accounts.

I am also able to distinguish between emails from people who provide employment for me and Joe Shmoe’s Viagra Emporium where I can buy 50 pills to “enhance my erection” for half the price of those sold at all other similar places.

In addition, once I have passed the initial AOL screening test for stupidity, I do not need a second one within the email that keeps me from clicking on an enclosed link without first clicking an icon placed inside my private emails by AOL, which then finally allows me to click on the enclosed link.

Obviously you do not follow the time and motion studies teachings of Frank and Lillian Gilbreth. The point is to make the task at hand more efficient and easier to deal with, not add more layers of unnecessary steps that bog the work down and make the user feel like smashing the closest window to escape the wicked guardian.

Somehow I don’t think the people I write for by choice, and who I have been receiving emails from for a number of years, are trying to booby trap my emails with links to articles I wrote myself, which by the way I signed up to receive. I made the decision to get those emails. I don’t need the legal AOL guardian blocking them for me, just in case they are not safe. I think I can determine that all by my little self. I am over 21 and oddly enough, I can read. I can write. I can reason. I also have opossable thumbs and no tail to hang from trees with. I even walk upright.

Finally, I do not appreciate you refusing to deliver pieces of mail which affect my finances directly. As a writer I am letting you know I am likely to receive many emails with attachments, some quite large or in multiples. When you block delivery of legal contracts which will allow me to be published, you are denying me my inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness and the ability to have the basic human needs fulfilled, those of mundane things like food, or say something silly like a phone bill or power bill, so I can use your over protective babysitting services to begin with. Perhaps I should forward those bills to you, since you seem to want to control all my correspondence.

I do not recall having committed any crimes lately that would necessitate the screening of my mail and denying me access to it. I do not see bars outside my windows. I don’t believe anyone writing to me with freelance job opportunities is divulging any state secrets either, which need to be blacked out for the sake of national security. Neither do I believe the CIA, Homeland Security or the FBI would be overly concerned with an editorial correction of one of my typos, so why are you?

AOL, please let go of the apron strings and let me make my own steps. I am a real grown up woman now.

Sincerely,
Laurie Darroch-Meekis

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Dear Miami International Airport,

I just wanted to drop a line and thank you for your ongoing construction projects to “enhance the passenger experience” at Miami International Airport. As an American expat living in the Caribbean, I travel frequently through your airport, because it is one of the main entry ports into the United States.

I have, on more than one occasion, been forced to sleep in your lovely building, typically Terminal D. I though I might suggest that when you are ready to replace your current black pleather chrome-armed chairs, you might opt for a few sofas or daybeds. Your floor is quite hard and a little dirty. It is difficult to sleep with your midsection bent over a cold metal armrest, barring you from a good stretch-out and therefore a few moments nap while clutching your belongings to keep from being robbed mid-dream.

In fact, I would gladly pay $5 an hour for a small closet with a cot. In these tough economic times, this is an idea you may want to pursue, to further “enhance the customer experience”.

Although I realize you have extensively remodeled Terminal D, not once, not twice but three times, I still walked smack into walls where busy hallways of passengers once maneuvered. Couldn’t you at least put up a “Caution, Terminal D Ends Abruptly Here” sign?

As a smoker, with both my inbound and outbound flights typically scheduled into and out of Terminal D, I run with Olympic precision from gate to gate with that all-calming, mind-blowing stop at the beautiful and tropical inner sanctum of smoking. Please, if there is a God in heaven and I am pretty darn sure there is, do not ever close this transformational patio of smoke.

The 10 x 20 concrete block of half-dead, nicotine-drenched tropical plants near the American Airlines Admiral Club is my only sanctuary on my dozen or so annual trips through your lovely airport. The fact that I can “get my ‘fix’ near Gate 36″ is a mantra I often repeat on the inbound leg of my journey.

I also love how one can now go in a never-ending loop around and around the AA Admiral’s Club until one falls into the strategically placed ladies’ room nearby, from nausea. What a clever marketing ploy of the airline. Buy a day pass to their facility just to stop the circuitous madness.

Because the open-air patio is typically filled with at least 25 smokers at any given time, perhaps it should be cleaned more than once per month. Maybe you could provide a few more ashtrays, as they do fill quickly.

However, I have met some of my best friends in this smelly, smoky haven and do appreciate the opportunity to commune with my fellow travelers. I even came within a hair’s breadth of missing my most recent flight, because the repartee was so enjoyable in Smell Hell. I did learn a great tip. A lady apologized to me as she stubbed her butt in the ashtray and whipped out a mini travel (less than 2oz, of course) bottle of Febreze and generously sprayed herself.

I smiled knowingly and said, “Your husband doesn’t like the smell?”

She nodded. “You’d be surprised how effective it is, some people at work don’t even know I smoke!”

Ah, smokers camaraderie. Nothing quite like it.

Oh, and that California Pizza Kitchen just a few yards away? Could you ask them to sell a few slices of pizza? I was disappointed I couldn’t have a slice and dash into smoker’s paradise for dessert after eating. All they offered were some terribly healthy looking salads and smooshy sandwiches wrapped in plastic.

And where did the $20 gift stand go? I was ready to buy my husband a Gushi watch (as opposed to Gucci) and there wasn’t one to be found. Only a month ago, you couldn’t swing a dead cat without hitting one. I was a little low on funds at the time. Guess I’ve missed out on that instant bargain!

But hey I’m really serious about the “cot-in-a-closet” concept. Terminal D of the Miami International Airport is a dazzling masterpiece and would be much more appreciated with a little spot to rest your weary head, after running into the new walls. Maybe add a vending machine that sells blow up pillows and little blankets.

I would be happy to beta test this marketing concept for you. Just email me at isleepinmiamiairporttoomuch@yahoo.com.

All the best,
Miami Ad Vice

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Lea Ann Fessenden-Joseph is a writer and world traveler, and when she merges those two passions, the results can often be very funny and irreverent. She is a monthly feature writer for the Caribbean Property and Lifestyle Magazine, is the National Caribbean Travel Examiner and occasionally contributes to the Travel section of The Dallas Morning News.