Aug 26, 2009
We spent the evening doing one of those family nights like we used to do when we were kids. I met up with mom and we took the kids out bowling, and then grabbed some pizza before we headed home.
You would have loved it. Just seeing mom in a bowling alley would have made you laugh so hard you would have cried, and watching Jay do his “happy dance” would have split your side. You would love that kid completely. I just wish you would have had the chance to meet him. (more…)
Aug 16, 2009
I guess it’s time I confessed. It’s been on my mind for a long time, and the only reason I haven’t said anything is because I know how many people would be hurt by my words. If my position were different, if family wasn’t an issue, let me confess… I wouldn’t be here.
I love my family, even the partner who I no longer share a bed with. I’m pretty sure most people think I don’t love him, but it’s not true. I love him deeply, but no longer as the ‘gay young lovers’ we once were. The love we had, the passion and adoration, no longer exists. If I had had a brother, he is the one I would have chosen. A friend, someone who supports me and does not question my decisions, only watches me muddle my way through them and picks up the pieces at the other end. I love him my way, and most people would say ‘my way or the highway’ is akin to a motto for me. (more…)
Aug 9, 2009
The piece that follows was written over 10 years ago now. I wrote it while I was in a relationship with a man who treated me with love and respect, but he used drugs. Occasional marijuana use turned into snorting cocaine, and led to freebasing coke, and that lead to other things.
As his world fell around him, I tried to save him. For two more years after the drug abuse worsened, we continued an on again off again relationship. Eventually, the toll this drug abuse had on the relationship became too much for me, and I had to walk away.
Today, he and I are friends, good friends even, and I still care deeply for him, though I have moved on with my life. Sometimes, I will see him and my heart flip flops, with a mixture of emotion between sorrow and wistful regret that I cannot fix him, cannot save him. Each year goes by, and he looks worse and worse. My heart wants to reach out and pick him up, but having broken away from my codependency, I know beyond doubt that I cannot save him.
Anyone who has experienced codependency, no matter the cause (it’s not always drugs or alcohol) will probably understand the feelings expressed in this writing.
I hope you enjoy it. (more…)
Aug 8, 2009
(Unsent Confessions is a part of the Unsent Letters blog that is sent in by anonymous writers, who don’t want their name attached to the writing, don’t want anyone to know who they are, but have a confession to share in the forum of a letter. These Unsent Confessions are all sent in anonymously, and the author’s identity is private.)
I tell you often that I love you, but I wonder if love is enough for me. I hate the way our lives are going and I think if you really loved me after three years that you would make a commitment to that love.
You would never cheat on me and take another woman to your bed. You do feel it is okay to be the big brother to every female on your online friend’s list, including a woman you had a past sexual relationship with a few years before we even met. (more…)