Dad,
I wasn’t going to write this to you but I decided to anyway. You are my dad, and even though you really make me mad at times, I still love you.

I know why you get so mean a lot of the time. I understand; I really do. I know you have a mental problem and as much as you admit it, you won’t get help. You think that you have been able to take care of it yourself but you really haven’t. Maybe, just maybe, if you woke up one day soon, you would realize that. You need help dad, and I wish I could help you.

I can’t help you though. The only person that can help you is yourself. That being said, I understand why you are the way you are. I know how you feel because I feel the same way when I don’t have my medicine. The difference between you and me is that I decided I wasn’t going to suffer for the rest of my life. I went and got the help I needed. I know you hate the medicine but when you need it, you need it. It is the way life is. If someone has a mental problem like we do, then the best thing to do for ourselves and everyone around us is to get the help we need.

But you refuse to and I will never understand why you refuse to make life easier for yourself and those who love you. We do love you, dad, but you are a hard person to live with and be around. I still love you and I always will no matter what.

I still don’t like the way you treat mom and me, but what am I supposed to do? I could fight with you, but what would that solve? Nothing. It would make things worse. We have fought in the past and I have always felt bad for doing so. I can’t take that back. All I can do is try to understand you and love you just the way you are. After all, everyone needs love and you are a human being just like the rest of us.

Aunt Mary runs her mouth about you. You don’t know she does it, and you never will. You think she likes you, but she doesn’t. She doesn’t like any of us. She just pretends to like us to our face and then she talks about us behind our backs. You wonder why I don’t like her and why I don’t visit her unless she is at your house when I am there. That is why.

I don’t like people who talk shit behind people’s backs and then act like their best friend to their face. It makes me sick. I think if someone has something to say about someone else, they should say it to that person. Not her though. She would rather kiss someone’s ass to their face and then talk shit behind their back. That makes me mad and sick and I can’t stand her for it.

I know first hand that she does it because when mom had to get that operation done on her arm, Aunt Mary was running her mouth about you as soon as you left the waiting room. She didn’t care that I was still sitting there. So guess what I did, dad? I went off on her. I asked her what her problem was and told her it was none of her business what you did. All because you went down to the Human Resources and asked them if they were hiring.

Did she not realize you had been out of work for a while and was doing everything you could to get a job? No, she didn’t care. She thought you should sit around like she was and wait until mom was out of her surgery. It wasn’t like it was a life and death situation.

I told her to keep her mouth off of you. She said she could say what she wanted because it was her sister in there getting an operation done. So what? Mom was okay. I told her that you were my dad and she needed to keep her damn mouth off of you.

You know what she did after that, dad? As soon as you got back from downstairs and she was going down to get something to eat, she asked you very sweetly if you wanted something from the cafeteria! How is that for backstabbing? She gave me a dirty look when you weren’t looking and didn’t ask me if I wanted anything. I don’t care. I didn’t and still don’t want anything from her or anyone else in mom’s family. They are all backstabbers and I know they are only nice to me to my face. I don’t care though. They wonder why I don’t want to be around them. I don’t care for any of them.

So dad, I do love you even though sometimes it is hard for us to get along. I will always stick up for you when someone talks shit on you. If they don’t like it, they can kiss my ass for all I care!

I remember when I used to sit on your lap, Daddy and hug you really hard. Now, as I am older, I see other fathers and daughters, how close they are, and wish we could have been closer. We were close when I was little but as I grew up you seemed only to care about my cousin, because he is a boy and you had more in common.

Why couldn’t we have been close? I get so sad when I see dads and their little girls and how close they are because I realize that we could have been closer but it never happened. I wish it would have though. I still love you and will always wish that we could have been closer. But it wasn’t meant to be I guess.

Happy Father’s Day and remember I will always love you no matter what.

~~~

Clarissa Wilson is a freelance writer who loves to read, write and spend time with her many pets. She enjoys writing non-fiction articles, short fiction stories, letters and poetry. She doesn’t have a website yet but you can view some of her work at http://www.associatedcontent.com/user/48715/sharon_morris.html and http://ramblingthoughts.today.com

Dear Dad.

Sometimes if feels like one hundred years since you died; other times, it’s like it was yesterday. As I grow older–and I hope wiser–it dawns on me anew what a terrible shame it was for you to pass when you did at a fairly young age. You worked hard your whole life to get a nice place for you and mama. Then shortly after doing that, you got sick.

As I watch my kids grow, I regret our relationship wasn’t as close as it could have been. No, we were not the type to speak of feelings to each other, but we knew it was there.

I wish you could know how sorry I am that the one time I can remember you saying “I love you” to me as an adult, I pretended to not hear and ask you to repeat it. You just replied “Nothing” and I left the room very quickly. It was after you were sick, and it scared me to hear you say that. I knew then that you were not going to beat cancer and that you would die.

Even though I was an adult, it was hard to picture you as just another man. You were my dad and close to indestructible in my eyes. When it finally sunk in you were going to die, I didn’t know what to say or do.

When the nurses said you were in a coma, you kept trying to talk. At first we didn’t understand what you were saying over and over.  When it dawned on us you were trying to say mama’s name over and over again, it sent me to my knees at the wonder of that love.

I know what love like that is now. You would like Ann. She isn’t a frilly, girly type and even works on the car, as you know I am helpless in that department. At the same time, she is a lady. You would like her. I know mama sure does.

Adam is almost 13 now and entering the terrible teens, but he is a good kid most of the time. He wants to work on cars when he gets older. Wonder who he got that from? I think he remembers you a little, and he has your picture by his bed.

You would like Ann’s kids. They are a good bunch. Shawn is very smart and the hardest working teenager I ever knew. Chris has had his troubles but seems to be growing out of them. Bribe him with a fishing trip and he is a friend for life. Monica is adorable and quick with an insult in a teasing way. You would love her often only answering to her nickname “George” and her affection for me.

I hope somehow you are able to see us and how we are doing and know that I miss you very much and always will.

Your son,
Randy

~~~

Randy Inman is a freelance writer living in the foothills of North Carolina. He enjoys watching sports, fishing and spending time with his fiancee and kids. You can read his writing here and here, so stop by and leave him a comment or two. If you’re into sports, Randy’s column here is a must read.